trigger warning
march 30, 2017
my head hit my pillow as soon as my father yells out for me. i groan as i walk down the stairs of my home.
"yes" i answer now standing in front of him.
"you skipped school not once but twice" my dad shouted in my face. i flinched at his tone, pushing hair behind my ear.
i am guessing he is referring to the days i skipped to help billie. which happened a while back, so im not sure why it was such a big deal now.
i begin to apologize, but i am cut off, my face beginning to sting.
i held the side of my face while looking down because i dare look into my father's eyes.
"did i say you could speak" he exclaims.
i was startled—almost hurt—because my father hadn't hit me in a long time. i believed he had moved past it and that it was only a phase, but i suppose people never change.
i recoiled at every fist that touched me while he continued to yell and bash me.
my mother did nothing but observe what was happening, but despite her silence, she appeared sorry and guilty.
i curled myself up and held my legs close to my chest.
"go to your room i'm done with you" he spits before walking out the door.
my mother and i made eye contact, and then she turned her head to the side with a hurtful expression that may have implied regret, though i could just be imagining it.
i watch them leave the house before i run upstairs.
i slam my door, as tears escaped my red eyes. i heaved, and i sobbed, i want the walls to stop closing in on me but they won't.
i pushed the door to my bathroom, scrambling around as i pour unnamed pills into my hand.
i was shaking so badly they almost fell out of my hands.
my breath seemed to be caught in my throat, as i slumped onto the floor. the pills still sat in my hand, and i want to take them all but a part of me won't allow my hand to come up.
suddenly my arms are 100 pounds and i cannot even lift them to take the pills. is this me waiting around for a miracle? or is this pure reflex?
i cannot help but feel the rage bubble inside of me, it hurts and it burns.
i might explode.
i finally throw the pills into my mouth, though i cannot even swallow them as billie practically throws herself through my window.
she immediately squeezes my face, forcing me to spit out the multicolored shapes.
"what the fuck eden" billie yells at me, her voice is so loud, so harsh, it only makes me sob harder. the look in her eyes made my heart ache once more as i leaned into her chest.
she doesn't touch me, she doesn't even look hold me. "i'm sorry" was all that could leave my lips, i couldn't say anything else.
"billie please" i choked as billie slumped onto the floor, finally holding me as i sobbed. i want to say i am mad that billie just so happened to be coming to see me at that moment, but i am not as i head whisper the words "i love you."
suddenly, as if a switch has just been flipped, i realized i had made a mistake. though my life is tormented, hearing billie say those words are all needed.
perhaps it was the heat of the moment or maybe i truly did almost take my life, but i know i would've made a mistake.
maybe i am just saying this because billie has her arms wrapped around me— but to never feel billies touch again? i couldn't bear the feeling.
"eden you promised" billies voice broke, "you said you wouldn't leave."
i don't respond because i can't. i know i have hurt her, i know that i can never take this back.
and though billie and i will never fall out, this will be a scratch we can never buff out.
-
billie and i haven't said a word in the last 2 hours. we have just been laying here in each other's arms, the only sound being the music she had put on.
i don't want this to weigh so heavy on us, and though all i want to do this lay in bed i know i cannot.
i get up, grabbing my scissors and hair brush.
"what are you doing," billie says quietly, i shrugged "did you want to cut my hair?"
she smiles though it barely spreads across her face, "sure" she whispers.
billie stands behind me as she begins to brush my hair. i sit on my knees, the silence practically eating me alive.
i hoped this situation did not affect billie as much as i did. i don't want her to lose my trust and i don't want her to love me any less because i am simply weak.
"do you love me any less," i asked, billie does not answer, brushing my hair as she sighed.
"i still love you as much as i did before eden," billie says "just upset that i almost lost you, is all."
billie shakes her head, and i can't help but apologize yet again "you promised," billie whispered, voice breaking "you promised me."
i nodded only slightly "i'm sorry."
we don't say anything, though i'm sure billie has more to say. i'm so mad at myself, mad that i couldn't see billie was my answer all along until i was almost gone.
my happiness.
"i'm not making you feel bad about eden, stop apologizing," billie says, "sometimes our emotions cause us to do unrecognizable things."
"and i trust me i know how badly it hurts but" billie seemed to not be able to get her words out, she hasn't since the whole thing.
"but you don't let them take control alright? i'm here if you ever feel like trying that again— im here eden fuck" billies voice breaks once more and it makes my heart break.
i don't respond, i feel like shit for even thinking about leaving such a pure soul.
and to see how badly i am hurting her for just having tried is just enough to make me never try again.
billie is my reason, my reason to be happy, my reason to love myself, my reason to stay.
"you are worth living for eilish," i say, "i will never leave you."
finally, billie smiles, "okay my love."
"how short did you want your hair anyway," she asked, blowing over the situation. finally, the tension is lifted and i feel billie opening back up.
i never genuinely believed in "true love" or that there was a single person who would be by your side always, no matter what.
that one person you could confide in entirely, who fully comprehended all of your complexity.
however, after i met billie, far beyond trust and understanding.
she showed me the thing all humans search for; happiness. she showed me happiness so pure my heart may explode from all of it.
she is truly my angel.
and i'm not sure how billie so happened to be there, but i will forever love her for saving me. for allowing me to touch happiness.
1236 words
