february 16, 2017
billies chains seemed to be the only think i looked forward to hearing in the mornings. so as she walks in, my heart flutters, though i don't want it to.
she takes a seat next to me, looking over before grabbing my notebook. "is this me" she asked, looking at the sketch, "it's what ever you want it to be" i responded.
billie smiles, "your voice is so small."
i shake my head, "exactly why i don't like to talk eilish."
i watch as her smile grows bigger, staring at me while shaking her head. i want billie but i did not want to hurt her.
as i've planned to try and take my life yet again i am hoping that she will not grow attached to me and i will not grow attached to her.
billie is a once in a lifetime type of thing, there is not one person who is like her, and that's how i know she is destined to do great things.
she is destined to have the world in her hands.
while me, their is nothing special. i have no talents nor something that everyone else does not have. i am just me.
i wonder if billie could tell i was dismantled; broken. i wondered if anyone could tell. i do try but at times it gets the best of me.
and suddenly my thoughts become reality and i look like a wreck.
i am nothing more than that, because i am not special. i want to be, i want to be extraordinary but perhaps i was not destined to do great things.
i believe if i do not die by my own hands then i will end up dying sooner than expected. i will not make it past 18, and that is okay, because i know that i am not going to go on and be something great.
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do i bother leaving my room? or do i stay up in here and wait it out. my dad has returned for a day or two, to leave groceries and more money.
thank god because my kitchen was emptier than it'd ever been. i don't want to leave my room because i don't want to see him, and i fear i will start an argument just from my presence.
as my doorbell rings i am begging that it is not the silver haired girl i wholeheartedly adore. my fathers voice booms through the walls, simply because it is so deep "she's not home" he says.
the door slams and i know that he will be coming up the steps in a few minutes.
so i lock my door, and quickly put my chair under the doorknob. as i do my window is opened and in crawls billie, thumping onto my floor.
i furrow my eyebrows as she waves at me, "why" she begins but i cut her off, shushing her as i hear footsteps.
all billie does is furrows her eyebrows as she looks between me and the door. i can see my fathers shadow, and i am praying that he thinks i'm asleep. the doorknob rattles before the bangs on the door. i flinch and whimper before stepping back until my back hits billie. she grabs me, holding my waist.
a minute goes by before his shadow leaves the front of my door, and though he leaves i do not remove the chair.
i let out a breath as i creep back onto my bed, billie following. she sits against my headboard, as i rest my head on my pillow.
"can i know" she ask softly, to which i reply "no" i respond so quietly i could hardly hear my own self.
"okay" billie nods "are you okay?"
"yes" was all i said.
"eden i can see all over your face that you're not" billie whispered to which i roll over so my back is facing her. billie chuckles as she grabs my stomach to pull me into her. i flinch only slightly because something about her was so warm all i wanted to do was melt into her.
surprisingly i allow her to continue to stroke the back of my neck as my face falls into her chest. "you can touch me" billie says as i hesitated to wrap my arms around her.
as i let a couple of tears fall down my red cheeks i hiccup.
i haven't been hugged in a long time, and it feels so lovely, almost smothering. i enjoy the feeling of security it provides, yet the thought of someone touching me makes me angry; because that's simply who i am. i'm not a big fan of touch, people, or cuddling, if that's what you want to call this.
but the way billies arms wrapped around me as she held me close, made me wanna burst into tears, she is nothing like anybody i've ever met, so reassuring, so caring, so loving.
i realized i'd been crying a little much by this point, so i wiped my tears away and tried to hold it in; holding in tears hurts both physically and mentally. i don't like how it makes my body tense, but for the sake of billie i will not allow myself to break down.
because if i do, then i will not stop.
"let it out" i hear billie whisper, "let what out" i asked ever so blindly, i knew exactly what she was talking about.
"you're crying" she chuckled, "let it out."
i took a deep breath, attempting to release all of my tensions, but the tears continued to flow. i know i shouldn't have allowed billie in like this, but she made me feel good.
pulling me in closer billie stroked my hair, "it's okay" she whispered, which might i add made me cry even more. maybe allowing someone in doesn't hurt, though the pain that will follow when i pass will.
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