march 11, 2017
i awake to the sound of thunder rumbling as harsh rain hits my window. an arm grips my waist as my back is against their front. i don't know when billie got here, but i loved to wake up to her.
as i look at the time i sigh, knowing i won't be going back to sleep for a little while. it is, 3:45am, and if i don't manage to wake billie up, she'd be sleeping at least until 7.
i looked down at billie whose lips were parted and whose hair has fallen in front of her perfect face.
from the side, i kept a close eye on her. my curious glance trailed along with the delicacy of her jawline, balanced out by her attractive features and hair, as my hand stroked her cheek.
she was truly an angel. i wish i knew the words to describe such a person like billie but there were merely none. nothing can describe the genuine feeling she gives my heart. she is nothing like anyone i've ever met, she is so different, so unique, and beautiful, i often wonder how she is able to survive.
the world is cruel, we all knew, so how was she so able to carry on? billie is strong, much stronger than me, i want to be billie. not in a weird way, but she is truly an inspiration.
"and you're staring at me, why," billie murmured quietly, her eyes still closed.
"oh?" i jokingly snapped back, "can i not admire you?"
she chuckles, allowing a lazy grin to plaster her face. "would you like me to stop," i asked to which billie shook her head, moving her hair out of her face.
"never— it makes me feel special," she admitted shamelessly, drawing me in even further.
"okay, then i won't," i whispered, watching billie get comfortable again.
she says something, though her response was slightly muffled as she moved her head into the crook of my neck.
"what'd you say," i asked quietly as she chuckled, "i said, that's fine with me beautiful."
"oh," i whispered, smiling as i couldn't help the blush coating my cheeks.
i scooted closer to billie, closing my eyes as i try to fall back asleep. she deeply sighs, pulling me in "comfortable?"
"mhm" was all i said, "great" billie mumbled.
-
as i awoke, i felt around for billie in my bed but she wasn't there, i groaned stretching in my bed. checking the time, i grabbed my phone.
it's 1:00pm, i don't really know how long i've been asleep and i don't know how long billies been awake.
getting up i stretch again, popping my back as i make my way downstairs.
i spot billie, who was dancing all around my kitchen, as she looked to be mixing something. "just make yourself at home then" i joked and she cocked her head towards me.
she laughed motioning for me to come over, i walked over to her and she grabbed my hand spinning me around. "you're so cheesy eilish" i laughed.
"perhaps," billie says.
"what're you making," i asked peeking into the bowl. "only the best cookies ever" billie scooped up some dough and rolled it into a ball. i offered her a tiny smile since she was so adorable. i think i'm ready to admit how much i loved billie—not to her, but to myself.
i adored every single thing about her. although i have no experience with true love, this feels right, she feels right.
i laugh and walked over to the counter just before Billie touched the tip of my nose and said, "you're staring at me."
i dipped my finger into the bowl of cookie dough, ignoring her statement before.
billie hugs me from behind, resting her head on my shoulder.
"eilish," i say to which she groaned, "oh come on, we literally kissed!"
i chuckle, turning around to face her. "i'm joking, you're so dramatic."
she only rolls her eyes playfully, beginning to stare at my lips. her hand moved up to my chin bringing me closer, "can i" billie whispered and i chuckled "of course."
we brought our lips together once again and i can admittedly say, i will never get over the feeling of billies lips.
over the past month, a lot has happened between billie and i and a lot has changed. it makes my heart hurt just thinking about it, but a part of me loves it. observing billies smile, makes my heart ache in knowing she has no knowledge i will be dead in 20 days.
i've let myself enjoy the time we have together right now until i'm on my last breaths.
billie smiles, pulling away from me "i want to kiss you forever, eden."
precisely what i was referring to. i grinned at her while doing my best to hold back the tears that were attempting to fall; yet, i dared not speak for fear of losing my voice.
i kissed billies cheek and hopped down off the counter, "i'm gonna shower" i say softly and she nodded.
-
i couldn't even put my finger on what was the matter, but as my vision goes blurry i wonder does there even have to be a reason? my brain has been wired to make me feel sad at any given moment, there is no way to rewire it i fear. will i always be like this? supposedly things get better but it certainly doesn't feel like it.
sometimes i am blinded by my own emotions that i do not see what is so happily placed in front of me. i push everything and everyone away because i cannot get out of my own head and it is a problem that i cannot seem to fix.
i feel as if i am cracked, waiting to shatter like i am nothing but a fragile object. one wrong move and i am on the floor in pieces. though i feel like i already am in pieces, therefore, it is too late, i cannot be fixed.
i looked up at billie, "eilish?"
she hummed, "if i ever go—" i started, "i'm not gonna leave you but if i do, i care about you a lot, and you just gotta be everything that i'm not, you know?"
"don't leave me eden" billie spoke quietly, "i'm not gonna leave you, but— no days are guaranteed."
"no days are guaranteed" i repeated quietly, letting out a huff "and it's something you can't dwell on, it's part of life and you know that and i know that but."
it was silent for a moment, "eden?"
"yes?"
"but what," billie asked, i deeply sigh, hating the way i can feel billies heartbeat pick up.
"but sometimes eilish— sometimes, people can't continue on."
i want to say i hear billie sniffle but i'm too afraid to check if it's true. i don't want to be the reason for her tears, i never do.
"you wouldn't do that to me, right eden" billies says lowly, i sigh, ignoring her.
"right" billies voice breaks, my heart aches, and i want to burst into tears.
"right" i whispered, billie kisses my lips briefly "okay" was all she said.
1211 words
