march 2, 2017
i've locked myself in my room, in hopes that my father will not notice i am home. my parents got back late last night and i don't know what happened but they were arguing.
and as my father always does after a night of arguing, he drinks his whole sanity away.
so i've rested my chair against my door yet again, flicked off my lights, and gotten as far away from the door as possible.
it's unbelievable that i have to hide in my own home, i hate to curl up in my closet in hopes of not getting beaten or touched.
if i even make it this far, id supposed id take my life in 29 more days or perhaps even earlier; if i simply can't take it anymore.
my days blend and the only thing making them better is billie.
as i popped in my headphones, playing my playlist, i listen to voices that grow louder and louder each second.
of course, 'i was all over her' were to play first, my thoughts slowed down, beginning to focus on the music playing in my ears.
was it weird to like the muffled yelling that collied with the song? probably, but i liked it.
and as cringe as it sounds it made me feel like i was in a movie, a very sad movie but still.
when my parents fight while i'm listening to music, it simply makes me feel surreal because everything sounds so fake but is still so real.
if that was even comprehensible.
fake meaning, it sounded staged, maybe they even planned it. real meaning every tone in the argument was so raw and aching, i felt it. i felt it in my chest.
when i was younger, it was still like this, except claudia was there to cover my ears and sing me to sleep. claudia being my sister, who i haven't seen in years. i don't know if i missed her or the distraction, but i wasn't out to find her.
child me loved everything, from the cheap dollar store coloring books to the microwaved meals and dvd movies. i couldn't remember half my childhood but i knew i made the best of what i had.
i don't know what to do with myself, maybe i should end it now, i could. it wouldn't change anything, as if i wasn't even here to begin with.
but as i get a call i know i should wait it out. i know i should at least try.
"hello," i say quietly, "hi love," billie says "what are you doing?"
"i'm in my room" i trail, watching her face appear on the screen. billie smiles, "can you come see me? i miss you" billie pouts.
i chuckle "of course."
with that i hang up, quietly making my way to my window. i don't know how i'll be making my way back to the window, because i genuinely didn't know how billie got up here each time.
but i'll figure it out.
-
"eden" billie shouts as she sucks her teeth "you're a cheater, fuck you."
i chuckle as billie loses yet another game of uno. i honestly thought she was just letting me win at one point but she's just bad.
"i'm not playing anymore" she pouts as she turns away from me. "eilish" i laughed as i pulled her towards me "i'm sorry."
"forgive me," i asked as i moved hair out of my face. it has gotten longer than i liked it to be, and it was honestly annoying.
