february 6, 2017
i was terrified of walking into my classroom door. i was terrified of practically everything that would come with it. i don't think i've ever felt so upset as i am right now. only because today's stares are a little more crucial. i can be invisible at times, but today i am as visible as can be.
as i haven't been to school in who knows how long, people wonder, they comment, they stare.
perhaps i should've never shown.
my head is down, my hair covering the desk and maybe even some of the one next to me. as someone takes a seat next to me i take in their shoes on the tiled floor, and their baggy sweats covering the top of them.
i almost want to say i know who this is but i didn't want to get my hopes up.
they kick my foot slightly, possibly letting me know our teacher just walked in but i don't care.
their scent is distinctly familiar, almost making me laugh. before i could question myself even more my name is called. i lift my head as my teacher is staring directly at me.
she shakes her head but doesn't say anything as she turns back to the board. billie; who i've known was sitting next to me since she got here looks at me.
"your names eden" she questioned quietly.
i nod, and she chuckles "i'd been calling you e for like years."
i hum, because what could she possibly need to say my name for. was she talking about me? that'd be ridiculous though if billie eilish was talking about me, good or bad, i wouldn't mind.
i've liked her for years, and it's kind of pathetic but she always made me nervous. "hey," she says "you're staring at me and you dropped your book thing" she laughs.
i internally slap myself, leaning over to pick up my notebook before putting my head back down.
the embarrassment was enough to make me crumble as my teacher finishes his lesson.
-
the halls are booming with loud students trying to get out of the building, others are running through the halls trying not to be late for after-school practice.
"eden" someone shouts my name and i turn around walking out of the double doors as she catches up to me.
"i missed you" billie finally says, my stomach fills with butterflies and i try not to smile too hard. maybe she did, but how? what was there to miss? i am no one.
"you don't even know me," i say as i kept walking.
billie laughs, looking away from me as her cheeks turn pink. how could i make billie eilish blush? it was almost enough to make me blush as well because maybe i am someone.
maybe she noticed, or maybe that's billie being billie; always looking out for people.
"i know, i missed seeing you in the hallway with your cute hair and shit" she spoke, hair blowing in the la wind.
i put my head down in attempt to hide my blush, my blonde hair covers my face and all i can think about is billies cute laugh following after her sentence.
"hey, if you wanted you could come back to my place and we could chill," billie says.
i think for a moment, i don't really want to, i don't want to get too close to her, because then i'll start to need her, i'll grow attached because i am someone who is not used to affection.
"hm, i don't know" i spoke, watching billies face dropped "what why" she questioned, "i swear i'm not like some creep or whatever you're thinking."
i shake my head "no it's not that, i just think we shouldn't really get close" i said before reaching the porch of my home "i'll see you in school i guess."
i closed my door leaning on it and before i could relax there is a knock.
billie voice is muffled "can i come in?"
i sigh and i can't tell if it was my heart opening the door or my mind.
but something came over me and suddenly i was letting her into my home and leading her upstairs to my room.
i can't tell why she is suddenly so concerned with me, why she wants to talk to me and shit like that but i little of me liked it.
a little of me jumps in joy as someone has finally noticed me; making it clear that i am in fact not invisible.
"your room is cool," billie says sliding her hands over posters. i don't answer, and she looks at me "you don't talk much, do you eden?"
taking into consideration that i've just had a whole conversation with her i wouldn't say that. i simply didn't know what to say, i barely knew the girl.
"i'm talking" i finally say, billie takes a seat next to me as she throws her book bag onto the ground. "i want to know all about you" she begins "i sound like some fucking stalker but like i've had my eye on you since like freshman year."
my heart practically jumps out of my chest, had her eyes on me she says but how? i was sure i was sneaky, creeping around the school as if i wasn't even supposed to be there.
perhaps not.
"i think you're so cool e" billie laughs "i don't even know why i'm saying this and i think i'll regret this tomorrow but i've liked you for a while, and when you left i was so concerned and confused and just overall— hurt?."
my eyes widen, my lips lock and don't open because i do not know what to say. i fear that if i open my mouth i will stutter so much, i forget to speak. i've liked billie for eternities it feels like. every year my feelings grow and at one point i thought i was going to explode because of them.
i don't know what to say, do i confess that i've liked her as well? that would fuck up the whole getting close thing wouldn't it?
i couldn't risk it, i couldn't risk hurting her. shes too pure, i want to say that i like her too but i know i'll ruin it; like i do everything.
"but you can't like me" i finally say to which billie furrows her eyebrows and chuckles "why not?"
i shrug, i believe i've talked more than i should've today so i stop talking. billie laughs as i struggle to push my hair out of my face.
"why don't you come over staurday" billie says, "and if we don't cut whatever this tension is, i'll leave you alone."
she looks at me, though i can't make eye contact with her. her eyes are piercing, and so blue that it's scary.
"okay" i agree, because i didn't even know where she lived, so that'd truly be a great excuse.
she smiles "see you later e."
billie walks out the door, and i exhale a breath i hadn't realized i'd been holding. i fall back into my bed, my gaze fixed on the ceiling.
did that really just happen?
am i dreaming?
i almost am hoping that i am,because if i am not and i wake up staurday going to billies house, then i will in fact die.
1243 words
