Let's say they didn't make it. Let's say they hadn't even had a "real relationship", for he ended before it even started; that she never called him her boyfriend and he never brought her home to mother but that they had loved each other.
She was sure she had and she didn't know much about love, but somehow- she didn't know how- she knew she was in love with him. For she hadn't stopped. Her whole life she had thought that if feelings were not reciprocated they were bound to fade away. That was why she had never worried much whenever she had gotten her heart broken- and she had gotten it broken a handful of times even if she had never had a proper boyfriend before- because she knew it would past. But it had been 5 months since they ended things and she had been a part of it, not only the "relationship" but also the breakup, she had been a part of the breakup too; and still she felt her heart in her throat and she felt a pain somewhere deep within her- she wasn't sure where- every time she saw him. She felt joy too. It was strange- that she would want to see him even if it hurt- but it also brought her joy so she always got excited when she knew he would be there at some friends' get together.
She didn't know he loved her too. How could she know that after all? Yet, really, anyone would have seen it. Their friends said it was clear that he loved her. He got nervous whenever she was around and their friends had noticed and they picked on him teasingly everytime but she didn't think much of it. They had sex and they knew that so it was childish but typical of them to make fun of him every time he so much as look at her. And if she had been more observant- or more confident- she could have noticed how she was the first person he checked for in a room and she could have known he would always take the seat next to her but somehow she was oblivious to all those things.
And he had never said anything about it. She would shut him out. But he had been... Strange. He had said he loved her a couple of times and no one was sure whether he had meant that as a friend or more and he had asked her not to control her feelings for him but then he had said they would never be a couple, that they didn't look good together.
And so then, five months later, they were in this house party and they had been stealing glances at each other the entire night and he had been with his girl. He had started dating this girl three months after they had ended things.
He had been the one to call it off. He had taken her out to dinner like he had done sometimes before, but she would never call those dates, and he had said to her that he thought it best for them to go back to being just friends because he wanted to look for something more than just sex and he didn't want to hurt her. And he had said that then, she supposed now, because he didn't want to tell her he was falling for her. But how could he? Why would he fall for her? And why would he do nothing about it if that was true?
So then when three months later he introduced Rose to their mutual group of friends, she wondered whether he had known Rose all along and the thought that he had left her for her gave her an oppressive feeling on her chest that managed to make her want to cry.
And that feeling had come back at that party. She had been sitting with friends on one of the couches but as always her eyes were drawn to him and so she had seen his hands on Rose's knees and Rose smiling and touching his chest and she had felt nauseous. She had felt nauseous and she had got up from her spot on the couch and made her way outside to the balcony even if it was almost the last day of December and she hated the cold but she swore if she didn't get some air she might go insane.
He followed her. He had noticed the way she still looked at him and every day he wondered if it was worth it what he had decided. She was hyperventilating when he got there and she felt him and she wanted him to wrap his arms around her from behind and pull her closer to him but he didn't. He never did those sort of things with her anyway.
"You never touched me like that in public. I thought you weren't into PDA. I guess you just weren't into me." She chuckled humourlessly.
"You were not my girlfriend." He whispered.
She nodded.
"You never asked." She shrugged.
He swallowed. He knew she didn't mean that because if she did then he was just a plain idiot but she didn't mean that. She had said once and again that she didn't want a relationship. Everybody said that- that she was not one for settling down, that they couldn't picture her with a boyfriend but she had cuddled with him on her bed and she had caressed his bare back and had played with his hair and he thought whoever managed to get her like that would be very lucky.
"You're happy, aren't you?" She whispered but he didn't answer. "You really like her, don't you?"
She then turned her head and she looked him in the eyes and he sighed and investigated her.
"It was... A right person, wrong time situation between us."
She swallowed. He had never called her the right person and she had wanted to hear that so bad some nights. But he was saying that then and she didn't understand why. She was almost mad. Why would he do that to her?
"I..." He stuttered. "I love you, Anna. I know you're not gonna believe me but I do. I love you." He shrugged.
"You're with someone else." He whispered.
"Wrong time." He smirked.
He was older than her and that had always been an issue for her. It wasn't much. Five years really wasn't that much.... But was it? She shook her head.
"She knows." He nodded. "I'm not that evil." He chuckled. "I think before I met you I wouldn't care but now I do. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone. She doesn't know it's you but she knows I'm in love with someone else."
"And she doesn't care?" She frowned.
"She's trying to forget about her ex. You could say she's using this too."
He walked closer to her until she could feel his body temperature heating her side. She swallowed.
"I'm just waiting, Anna, for it to be the right time."
"You're waiting until I take the exam?"
He licked his lips before he spoke.
"I'm waiting. I don't know exactly what for but I... I just don't want to mess this up with you."
Her bottom lip projected out and his eyes fell to her mouth. It was a nasty gesture, she was showing scorn and contempt but she had such beautiful lips...
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I can't seem to stop messing it up. Am I hurting you? Is this Rose thing hurting you?"
"It's not." She said. "I... I think this is what we're supposed to do. I think it's smart but... I'm also scared that you'll... Move on."
"Don't be." He shook his head.
She sighed.
"This... This might be selfish of me to ask but... Could you... Uh... Maybe wait while... You know... Sleeping with me?" He smirked at her question but she wasn't looking at him. "I mean... Can things go back to how they were? I miss you."
"You've never said that before." He smirked.
"I love you too." She dared. "I just can't give you what you want right now but... If it's true what you say... Can't you just... Be with me like this for now? Take what I can give you and wait for me to be able to give you more. I love you."
"I want to kiss you so bad right now." He chuckled. "But I have to talk to Rose first and I don't want to do it here. She's good, Rose. She deserves better."
"You can hug me..." She offered, shrugging, and it sounded like a question. "Hugs are safe."
He nodded and smiled before his arms wrapped around her shoulders and he pulled her to his chest.
"I love you." He whispered.
"I love you too."
