WALKING IN MY SHOES

43. Shawn Mendes

~ Zack's pov~✿in Madilyn's body✿

"Who is Alice?" she asks making my heartache at the mention of her name.

"My ex girlfriend" I say flatly, sighing at the intrigued look she gives me urging me to explain.
I'm reluctant and would prefer to lash out that it's none of her business but that wouldn't be fair to her since she's shared her story with me.

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me just because I told you something about me. I'm not forcing you to tell me something you're not comfortable with telling" she says squeezing my hand lightly, putting aside her curiousity for my sake which fills me with warmth and leaves my heart beating like a basketball against my chest. I'm unaware of what this feeling is.

'nervousness?'
' maybe I'm dying'
'could it be kidney failure?...Nah'

Her words ring in my head   and the wild beating of my heart has yet to subside, the gentleness of her hand against mine and the soothing reassurance of her tone  has got me wanting to spill my life out to her and honestly I'm scared of that feeling.

Being vulnerable.

"Thanks..." I say after awhile. she gives a solid nod as we sit in silence watching the flames before us spark.

"Alice was my first real girlfriend" I say breaking the silence , it's like my mouth has a mind of its own.Talking about Alice hurts but I can't avoid this topic forever.

"Why did you guys breakup?, it's clear that you really care about her " she asks curiously creating a pang in my chest.

"Yeah I do... but we didn't breakup, not officially... she died from cancer" I say blowing out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"I... I'm sorry for asking, I didn't mean to overstepped. I'm sure Alice was an amazing person." she says looking guilty but sincere, I'm glad she didn't pity me by saying something like 'Sorry for your loss', I've heard that more times than I can count.

"Yeah she was..." I say recalling all my good memories spent with Alice ,wishing I could speak about how amazing she was without feeling the heavy weight of pain in my chest or the clench in my gut along with the lump in my throat that's holding back three years worth of heart wreaking sobs and that's what stops me from saying more,I don't want to break down.

"You okay?" Marilyn asks gently bumping her shoulder with mine.

"Yeah" I answer, she looks at me skeptically but doesn't say anything.

"You know I may not be a therapist but I know when someone is bottling something up and I can tell you from experience that that's only ever going to make it worst...I may not be your biggest fan but I'm here if you want to get some stuff of your chest, who better to listen then the chick you swapped bodies with ?" she says not making eye contact with me but I can hear the sincerity in her tone. I am not sure whether to be pissed that she thinks she knows me or shocked that she's offering comfort and stepping way out of her shell for an asshole like me. I try my hardest not to say something I'll regret, I know she's just trying to help but it's hard for someone like me I'm not used to trusting people or talking about my personal feelings. I'm so used to people stabbing me in the back or abandoning me that I don't believe anyone when they say they there for me.

I hesitate to answer, Could I even try to open up what I've been bottling up?,I haven't spoken to anyone about Alice in the past three years that she's been gone, not even Max has gotten me to speak about Alice after she has passed, it's like after she passed I just shut everyone out and refused to talk about her with or to anyone , I resorted to avoiding the topic and my feelings along with it, I can't bare to talk about Alice...not yet atleast.