Italian

Update

This is the end.

I'm ending this book.

I've recognized that this book isn't really getting anywhere.

Sure, I want people to hear my story and learn how to help others.

And sure, I have.

But the thing is, the person I've turned into someone I'm not even sure about.

Yea, he's a good guy.

He's not really selfish.

In fact, he wants to help people.

But, whenever something pops in his head, he just has to say it.

That's what makes everything screw up.

I plan on picking this story back up later, but for now, I'm going to end it.

For the record, I'm not gonna kill myself, alright?

It's just that I have things that I still need to do.

And I need to work on them.

Because if I don't

...

I'll become selfish and horrible.

And I'm referring to myself.

I'll be working on myself.

Because clearly, I need to.

So catch me with a wrench and hammer, trying to figure myself out.

Then realize that I'm just a person who doesn't know what he's doing and worrying about every little thing he does.

Because he'll keep thinking of the worse.

And that's what he's gonna get if he continues.

...

I want it to be over already.

All of it.

But I don't want to kill myself.

I know I won't.

Then what will I do?

I don't know.

But others want to see me at my damn best, so I'll give them it.

As long as they know I'm dying too.

Not physically.

Not mentally.

Just a niiiiice in between.

And I feel writing a book could help me.

But its what I'm writing that is stopping me.

I don't want to hurt others because of me.

And I feel that this book is doing that.

And so is myself in real life.

Why do people want to hang out with me?

Why hasn't anyone stopped me?

I'm clearly a bad person, I don't want them to leave me.

So what do I do?

Goddammit, I feel that I can help people, but I'm also the problem.

I don't want my friends to leave me.

But if I keep going, than I'm gonna say something that screws up everything.

But at the same time, I feel like I can help them.

What am I to do.

Stop?

Only if they want me to.

Which I feel like they do.

I also feel like they don't.

So...

I'm tired.

I'm struggling.

I'm stressed.

I'm worthless.

But at the same time, I feel like I could help if I keep going.

It's all just ups and downs.

If I keep going, I'm going to burn out.

But they want to hang out with me.

Why?

I'm clearly a bad person.

But, I'm also clearly a good person, I know it.

I'm just a big ol' cake mixed with lots of care, bits of hate that slip out, and a sh*t ton of regret because of it.

He's sorry, but he doesn't know how to stop.

He helps, but he still keeps trying.

So, I guess this is the end.

For now, that is.

Doesn't mean I'm giving up.

Doesn't mean I'll stop.

I'm still standing.

And I'm still gonna be.

But at the same time I wont.

I'm sorry for everything.

I'm sorry for being this terrible person.

You hate me.

Everyone hates me.

And its cause I cant shut my f*cking mouth.

I should be hated.

Kill me for all I care.

I dont care if I'm being dramatic.

I dont deserve anything.

I'm a hateful, rude, and soulless person.

So I'm sorry.

And I know you dont care.

But I'm sorry.

I'll kill myself now, if that's what you want.

Because what's the point anymore.

I'm clearly hated.

So f*ck it.