I'm not really at the age where I take dating seriously. We're still young enough. I didn't even really see myself as committed to anybody.
This guy, that often meets with me.
Finn?
I didn't really think we were together at first. But then he started getting jealous with my other hookups. That's when I realize that we might've been exclusive. Or rather, he must've thought that we were, since he kept on questioning me.
I'm sorry about that.
But can you blame me? It's too difficult to know since we didn't really go through dating and talking. We just casually started f*cking occasionally. He was trying to be sweet but I'm not really into that kind of thing.
I'm at a point in my life, where I just want to do whatever I want to do. I want to put myself first.
Is that so bad?
However, I do feel guilty at times whenever I see Finn hurt his pride.
"Sarah. Just please. Why aren't you satisfied with me?" he asks sincerely with tears on his face. He was kneeling in front of me, squeezing my knees together.
Somehow, I felt flattered for how much he wants me. I felt guilty that I'm being dishonest with him.
So I finally told him, "Fine, Finn. I don't love you. Let's break up."
He looked so devastated. He literally begged me on his knees. So I decided to just let him be.
-----------------------------------------
Finn was hugging me so tightly for a while now. All while we sob out our frustrations with ourselves. I couldn't help but hug him back as he also felt like he needed some comfort.
When will we heal these wounds that we bear?
"Sorry. I was supposed to comfort you." he whispers to my ears with sobs in between.
Weirdly, his comment made me chuckle again. He's just adorably funny in his own way.
He giggled too but tightly wrapped me up again with his embrace.
I stopped and stared at him.
What's this?
Is it the weed?
Or his warmth pressed on me?
The feeling of his arm sliding and patting my back so calmingly and continually?
Or was it the pounding I feel between us? Throbbing from his chest and mine reciprocates it.
Is this how it feels to touch the opposite gender?
Maybe it's the wind that blows our direction? Almost deafening my senses with the whistles that it hymns.
Or was it the smell of grass in this mountain peak? So calming and healing that I think, I might forget my worries somehow.
But could it be Finn's eyes that I just noticed to be so expressive and deep? He was also staring back at me as we held onto each other tightly.
Was he also pondering like me?
Pondering on what is this?
This feeling I'm getting.
It's like I lost control of my mind and body.
All I know is I dare to explore more of this.
So I leaned in closer to his face. Carefully. And permissive. Staring deep into the part of his face that I suddenly wanted to explore and feel with mine. Will he let me?
