I didn't really know that I was pregnant before leaving. Ofcourse, I thought of coming back. I thought of telling him.
But I realized that I didn't want our child to be a temporary patch for our personal issues. Moreso for our relationship. I didn't want to regret and pull back in the end. Finn and I are internally troubled people. I know for a fact that we are both not ready for each other.
I was not ready for him because I still have lingering trauma that impedes me from building new and meaningful connections with other people.
While he was not full enough to pour his glass out for a relationship. Affection alone wouldn't be enough in the long run. He needs to have confidence in himself.
Hence, with the help of my family, I decided to raise and bear Phineas as a single mother.
It flipped my entire world.
I had no space nor room for my own issues anymore. No space for self doubt. For fear. For opinions. Everything was about my angel. My darling. Phineas. It just immediately happened as soon as I felt that first kick in my belly. The moment I first heard his cries. The moment he was placed on my chest and I touched his bare skin. I just knew that I loved him.
It was great. Phineas made me into a better person. He healed me. He gave me meaning. I'll do anything for him.
"Sis. I have free vouchers from work. It's for the salon. Do you want them?" my brother who came to visit with his girlfriend asked.
"No thanks. Give it to mom. She'll love it." I told him as I focus on breastfeeding Phineas.
"No sis. Come on. I insist. Have it. You know what, go to the salon now. I'll take Phineas. Babe and I will take care of him for a few hours." my brother says.
"Huh? Why are you suddenly persuasive?" I asked in a tone then tucked Phineas to his crib.
"It's just- don't ask too many questions! Just go!" my brother pushes me out.
"No. I don't want to leave Phineas. Besides-" I try to express my worry. I'm still on maternity leave. I rarely keep him out of my sight. I-
My brother suddenly sighed deeply and tapped my shoulders to say, "Sis, please. Take care of yourself a little."
I took a glance at Phineas. I'm still worried.
"He won't wake up anytime soon. Besides, it's good practice for me and babe. Diaper changing. Your pumped milk on the fridge. His toys. The music I'll play. I know it all! You have no other topic everytime I visit. Naturally, I memorized everything about my nephew. Trust me, sis." he says.
"It's just going to be an hour." he continues to persuade me.
"Alright, fine." I told him.
Then I quickly changed clothes and hurriedly drove by the salon.
As I was walking, I bumped into our neighbors who were just coming out of the salon. They smiled back at me and I heard them whisper as I was walking in.
"She's so skinny."
"I know. And she looks so dry."
"Her hair smelled too. Did you notice?"
I turned around and my instincts just let my foot step closer at them.
"She's a single mom, you hear?"
"And? Isn't she supposed to have more time for herself then?"
"Why did she let herself go like that?"
"Or maybe that's why the father of her baby didn't take her seriously."
"Poor her."
I stopped eavesdropping. As I was walking to the salon, I felt the feeling that I thought I had already overcame after bearing Phineas out of this world.
