"Professor Finnich, your package for Longjing tea has arrived." an assist knocked.
And I just replied, "Thanks. Just leave it there. Please don't knock again until half past 6. I need to work alone."
At times, I am happy with being alone. Having the liberty to do what I want without thinking of what another person would think. Going out on my own terms and not having to consider someone else as I go through my day. Feeling independent on my life pursuits. Not having to bother with trivial details such as money, time and others.
However, there are still times when I feel like I've missed out on the opportunity of having someone be by my side. Sometimes, I wish there was someone to take care of me. Someone I could share my success with. Somebody who would feel like home to me.
When I see my friends getting married, being in long term relationships, having children, while I, on the other hand is still alone, I can't help but feel a little empty despite feeling contentment on the outcome of everything that's happened.
I've been living and learning how to be okay with being alone. And I am. I've learned that my happiness shouldn't be dependent on somebody. That I don't need anybody to serve as my support. I am my support system.
But sometimes...
*chuckles*
"You look funny."
"Hun, let's camp out again."
"I like you a lot, Finn."
Sometimes, I wish we could've been alone together. She would always be the one that got away for me. These thoughts are what I've learned to bury deep inside me. As they are just now, memories of the past.
I saw her with him.
I've been advised by my therapist to try and not stalk her accounts anymore.
I was successful.
But now, I'm in relapse.
Phineas.
He looked adorable.
Are you mine?
I'm still pondering on what I should really do while I glance at the paper that Sarah had left out for me.
It's not really normal for anybody to just suddenly fly out to confront someone about their rumored child. Much more so, since we both needed to be liberated from each other.
She needed to run away from the trauma she had for her to heal.
While I needed to be left alone in solitude to make me love my self better.
Would it be fine to just suddenly see each other again?
Is that really my child?
What if she doesn't want me to be in her life anymore? What if she's content?
How does she feel?
How do I feel?
Do I want to see her again?
Do I want to be reunited with her?
Or is it better to stay alone rather than be left alone?
These are thoughts that ran through my mind.
Then I remembered one time during that one month. We were waiting for our expiration date, relaxing together in our home.
I placed my head on her lap to catch a nap. She was stroking my hair and quietly humming out a lullaby. I regressed to my infantile state as I lay on her.
Thinking that I was asleep, she whispers her sincerities to me, "Finn, I'm not leaving because I hate you. Or that I don't like you nor love you back. You have been the silver lining throughout the darkest times of my life."
And I felt warm droplets on my cheeks. She was wiping them as they consecutively fell like bittersweet tanginess of emotions dripping on me.
I try my hardest to make her think that I'm unconscious and asleep.
"You've always made me feel that I deserve more than what I had experienced. And you made me feel accompanied as I heal from my inner burdens. But knowing what had happened to you. And to Sarah. With us. I can never be at peace like this." she was sobbing.
"I hope one day, you won't grow to hate me. I'm sorry for being selfish in many ways. To ask for a month with you yet to also ask for you to let me go. I hope one day, you'd understand me. I know that you'd need the time alone for your inner peace too." she still cries and now, I feel my chest tighten as I try my hardest not to cry with her.
"I hope one day, you'd know that I love you too, Finn." Harley confessed to me as I was asleep.
The only time that I heard her say it.
Say it back to me.
A time that I wasn't supposed to hear it.
My tears fell in my desk as I remembered this moment.
While it is true that we had needed inner peace away from each other, it is also still true that my heart aches deeply for her after all this time.
I still love her.
And with this, I decided to take a leap of faith and visit her.
To ask.
For one last time.
(to be continued)
Writer's Note
- Hi! I just segwayed in some time with boo to write this bit. Still not finished but I am itching to write it so much ugh! So here's another short part of the supposed last parts. I just can't help but type a little lels
