I like Finn, too.
I've never had a boyfriend since birth but...
I've been infatuated before. I've had physical attraction before. I've felt bloodrush before.
But what I feel now with Finn is a volatile mixture of every brand new experience I've gained through him. However, the only outcome I want for this is to not burden him too much. I know how much he's suffered in his relationship. And how he's lowered himself up for her. It's not just something to overlook with a one night thing.
I'm at a right age to have enough maturity for self control. But I also am at the right age to have enough courage to try and pursue what I want. I've experienced life enough.
And I know what I want from Finn.
I genuinely want to be with him. But I want us to come clean. I want him to know that I'm not comfortable with us, cheating.
Now everything is up to Finn.
He decides.
I've done my part in expressing myself, I guess? My slip at that common restroom should be more than enough sign of motive from me. Whatever he decides to do, I'll understand. But ofcourse, I do hope for the outcome that resonates with mine.
Most especially, since this is a first for me.
Since it's not a good idea to hang around my therapist's waiting area and bump into Finn now, I decided to go camping somewhere in these high lands.
It's easy to find a spot in this area.
Our village is near. There's still a lot of vacant spaces with great views and enough privacy. The place is just starting to be developed.
I fixed my tent. Laid down snacks. Readied my tab for some movies. And relaxed while lying down. My feet is warmed up inside my tent while I enjoy the breeze with half of my body laying by the blanket covering the grass. I watch with my tab laying on my belly.
The sun was about to set so I paused my movie and stood up.
I stepped on higher rock and observed.
It feels good to be alone like this sometimes.
With so much on my mind, pausing like this is what works best for me. I no longer want to be cautious of other people. Since I'm trying my best to accept the fact that everyone probably hates me still.
Sarah is already a stranger to me. I also don't want to reconnect with the people who easily took her side or judged me without even asking me nor revisiting their actual interactions with me. I never did them wrong but somehow, they had the audacity to label me with such harsh words.
I just want to be free from my worries.
As I was enjoying this view, I stretched my arms up. I also shook my legs by the wind for a stretch.
Then suddenly, somebody pulled me down.
"What are you doing?!" he screams while tightly gripping on my shoulders. It's a little painful.
It was Finn.
Now here's the problem.
I am mature enough for self control. I know so. But at this distance from him, it's like I'm regressing to my teenage state. Sigh. I suddenly blushed. Craved. And since we've already shared so much from that one night, I was-
"Hey! Harley!" he shouts then rubbed my hair repeatedly. He looked like he was in agony.
"I was just watching the sunset." I told him shyly. F*ck. Where did my confidence go? But wait. I suddenly felt like laughing again. Oh man, did he think I'd...?
