Being with Harley in that vacant lot by the highlands, felt like the most memorable blur I'll ever have.
However, after a few hours.
After I brought her to her home.
After sleeping and sitting it out.
I'm gonna be honest, I wasn't totally sure what to do next.
All I'm sure is that I liked Harley.
I connected with her.
That's why it happened.
But what's next?
The last thing she told me as we bid farewells was "Let's forget."
It felt precious to me. I also think it did for her too. It was her first time, after all.
But what about Sarah?
"What about her?" my therapist asked.
"I don't know. I was supposed to be with her. Despite her, hurting me. That doesn't give me any right to break faithfulness in us." I told him.
"But you were with Harley. What do you feel about that situation?" he asks.
I recalled it and I was actually trying to hold back my smiles.
Not because she was beautiful, smart and angelic. Not because I recall her scent, her lips and her taste.
But because of her laughs as she looks at me and watches me. She'd always end up chuckling at every word I say. Why is that? So weird.
"Is it wrong to not be entirely sure? Does that make me a jerk for both of them? Because honestly, I really am unsure at this moment." I answered truthfully.
"What you're feeling right now is valid. But you will eventually need to work on deciding. You know how it feels to leave people second guessing, right?" my therapist says.
"Yeah. It's devastating. But I'm really- why did I do it? But I don't regret it either." I groan and buried my head on my palms.
My therapist writes something then he said, "It's good that you're in agony over something else now. How does it feel to be the one who decides? To be in control of the outcome of your emotions?"
"I'm in control?" I was startled. I am?
"Yes, Finn. Unlike before, you were struggling to act on how you felt. You didn't want your situation but you felt like you are trapped on it. But this time, you can decide on what will actually happen next. How does it feel?" he says.
"Feels weird. But refreshing." was all I can say.
"Refreshing? Can you elaborate?" he asks.
"I don't know. Because I may still be questioning my self and feelings but I'm quite sure with half of it." I told him.
I continued, "I always try to be the opposite of what I really am with Sarah. I try to be sure. But with her, I always doubt myself. I try to feel relieved and content. But with her, I always feel like I'm not enough. I try to feel in control but with her, I- I- it's like I'm trash if she leaves me."
"But half of me is sure that what happened with Harley was because I- I like her. A lot. I really like how she understands my weaknesses. She relates to me. And I want to make her feel that I understand her too. That she shouldn't feel the way she feels about herself. I meant every moment I had with her but- But it was wrong." I said.
It's wrong because I was committed to Sarah. But I also fear that it could be wrong because I might confuse affection from empathy. Is it just because we're alike?
My therapist smirked a little then followed, "You're doing well, Finn. Better than you thought you are. Have a little faith and confidence in your ability to decide for yourself."
