Oftentimes, I'd question myself.
Maybe, I was truly at fault.
I must've been too vile and unfathomable, that's why.
I deserve it.
"You don't deserve that. Nobody does." he says.
"Oh no. I mean, I really made mistakes. That's why it happened. I was total b*tch. I was overdramatic too." I tried to laugh it off.
"What are you saying? Stop making yourself believe that." he insisted.
This guy I am talking to is Finn. I don't really know him well. We would just often bump with each other while waiting at my psychiatric appointment. He's very chatty. He's always the one to strike up a conversation. I'm not sure if I like that.
I smirked and replied, "You don't know me that well."
It's true. I know he was just being nice to a stranger. I wasn't particularly a great person. That's why these things kept on happening to me. I have an attitude problem.
"Humility to accept your mistakes is good. But, still blaming yourself even when you were also wronged is- it's gonna eat you up." he nags.
I just smiled and replied, "You talk as if you've gotten it all figured out. Then why are you waiting here with me?"
"That's- it's-" Finn stuttered. Luckily, he was saved by the psychiatrist's secretary. He quickly stood up and walked to enter the consultation room. I glanced at him as he walks away.
Sigh. I should probably wait by the park next time. So I won't have to encounter Finn again.
However, I find leaving home early and staying by this facility's waiting area, comforting.
There aren't too many people around. If there's any, I know we are all f*cked up inside. Hence, I won't feel the anxiety of being judged. Also, there's free coffee here, television, and it's airconditioned. Free Wifi too. It's better to loiter here than anywhere else.
Everything was peaceful, not until Finn had started chatting me up. I wonder why he's coming here? What's f*cking his mind up?
It's somehow making me curious since if you'd look and listen to him speak, he seems very mindful, healthy and happy. He's always had this cheery expression on his face. His aura also gives off this friendly and sociable atmosphere. Much too opposite from my timid nature. Sometimes, I feel intimidated by him.
With these thoughts in mind, I patiently waited and distracted myself away with some videos on my phone.
While scrolling through social media, I came across a common friend's accounts.
I saw her name again.
An old friend liked a photo.
Something inside me was fighting to not check the post. But I am also very curious. How did they know each other?
It's a food photo from a random acquaintance I had before.
My sick and twisted mind, despite wanting to ignore and not meddle anymore, decided to click the post.
[ Sarah: I had fun! Let's eat out again soon ❤ ]
What? They met? But. I was in good terms with this acquaintance. What if they talked about me? What if Sarah told them- what if she told her- what if she thinks badly of me? How can I explain myself? How-
Paranoia.
Have you ever experienced that?
With my palpitating heart, I started suffocating in this corner. I felt like throwing up but I also can't keep still. I stood up with my palms sweating. I'm starting to nip on the tip of my hair strands.
