Alive Again (English Version)

19.Box Of Regrets

19.

All the missteps
And mistakes
I've let them linger
[...]
You came along and you held the key
To my
Beautiful box of regrets
(Mega-Box Of Regrets)

Lexa was paralyzed. Clarke was in front of her, in tears. Three years, three years spent hiding the truth, to protect her. Three years, three years down the drain in a few minutes. Lexa stood up, helped by Abby. A sudden gust of wind lashed her face and ruffled her hair. She closed her eyes, forcing herself in every way not to burst into tears. For a moment, she found herself praying that a chasm would open under her feet and swallow her forever. No, it was too late now. The truth had come out and it was no longer possible to go back. She opened her eyes again. Clarke's blue gaze was always fixed on her, so confused and hurt at the same time. Seeing her like this, Lexa felt her heart sank. It was all her fault, just her fault.

"Clarke..." she muttered, but the blonde gestured her not to go any further. She laid a hand on her own face, now wet with tears.

"I'll leave you alone." Abby said, heading towards the entrance.

"Mom, don't..."

"Clarke, you have to talk to her. I think the time has come." the doctor said. "Everything will be fine, I promise.". Abby hugged her daughter and kissed her head. Clarke watched her disappear across the door. She turned to Lexa, slowly. The brunette was leaning against the balcony railing and gave her back to her, staring into space. Clarke sighed. She walked towards her, one step after another. She joined her, without saying a single word. So they stood still, silently contemplating the horizon for not even they knew how much time. The tireless hustle of Los Angeles stood out in front of them, unaware of all the grief they were feeling. Clarke ran a hand through her hair. Three years. She had spent three years wondering what she had done wrong, convinced that, in the end, it was her fault if Lexa had left. There had been times when she had hated her, others when she had hated herself. She had shed tears, spent whole days without even touching food. She had reduced herself to an empty shell, emptied of every sense and perspective. And, in the end, she had learned to live with the pain of not being able to make Lexa happy. She shook her head. Her certainties had collapsed, one after the other, inexorably. Lexa loved her. Lexa never wanted to abandon her. Lexa was in love with her. She inhaled and exhaled, over and over again. No, she couldn't make it. It had taken her so long to accept that her feelings weren't unrequited. She felt lost, empty, robbed of every point of reference. Forced. Lexa had been forced to leave. They had threatened her, probably even manipulated her. Clarke felt fierce anger rise in her chest. Her legs trembled, but she pretended nothing, praying to any existing deity to let her stand on her feet. She wanted to scream, get rid of all the grief she was feeling.

"I'm sorry." Lexa whispered suddenly, her voice so low that Clarke had to make an effort to hear her. "I never meant to turn you into this.". Clarke bit her own lip. She reached out her hand, until she touched Lexa's. She turned to her, forcing her to do the same. Her green eyes were full of shame and pain and Clarke could only feel immense tenderness towards her. She caressed her cheek, with a gentleness and  an affection that Lexa found unbearable. She didn't deserve Clarke. She had never deserved her.

"Please, you don't have to..." she tried to stop her, in vain. Clarke stepped forward to her and closed her into the sweetest embrace Lexa had ever experienced. And, in the end, the latter could do nothing but give in. She laid her head in the crook of the blonde's neck and let herself go, without restraint. Clarke felt the tears wet her skin and shirt, but didn't care. She cradled Lexa, singing a little song her father used to hum her to calm her down when she was a child. In that moment, the brunette looked so small, so vulnerable, so fragile to her. She went back to the conversation they had had a few days earlier during the picnic. Lexa had asked her if love was nothing but weakness. Clarke had thought she was just talking about her feelings for the kids, but now she realized that the situation was quite different. Titus and Wallace had managed to make her believe that she had no right to feel anything, especially for her. In fact, they had convinced her that love between the two of them would have been harmful, a danger to both of them. At that thought, Clarke stiffened. Lexa seemed to notice that, because at first she raised her gaze and then pulled back. A shadow of pure terror veiled her emerald irises and Clarke felt like dying. Lexa was scared, scared she would hated her again. But Clarke could have never hated her, even if she wanted to. And the truth was that she had wanted it so much.