I Lied | BTS

15

TW!: Suicidal thoughts

It felt as though the room was spinning and it caused Kangdae to stumbled painfully into the locked door, his shoulder and head taking most of the force. Blood rushed in his ears, his hands shook violently, his eyes stung and his heart hurt in his chest as he ran a hand over it. He tried to breathe but it came out hitched and short like something was pushing down on his lungs.

Kangdae tripped over his feet and fell again, hitting the floor with a loud gasp and a short sob. He leaned against the cabinet of the sink heavily, hands holding onto each bicep as he tried to control his breathing. 

Everything hurt and he wanted it to go away.

He was alone and the walls were quickly closing in. He couldn't think, he couldn't feel anything other than the pain in his chest that felt so restricting. 

There was a knock on the door, "Dae-Hyung, are you okay?" The voice was hesitant and Kangdae tried to remain as quiet as possible, swallowing back his cries. Uncontrollably, his head banged against the cabinet behind him and it was loud. "Dae-Hyung!" The door handle jiggled but it was locked.

"Dae-Hyung, open the door!" Another voice exclaimed with concern clear as day.

Kangdae only placed a hand over his mouth and sat rigidly.

"Please, open the door! We don't have to talk just come out!"

"He's not answering." Someone whispered on the other side.

"What do we do?"

Kangdae shuffled on the ground, unwillingly letting out a strangled gasp that his body hoped would fill his lungs but to no avail. He was panicking again and everyone could hear it.

"Open it!"

"It's locked!"

"So, bust it open!"

"How?!"

Another gasp and a bang of Kangdae's head.

"Just move!" The voice all but screamed before there was a loud thud against the door as if someone had just run into it, then another and another until it quite literally broke off its hinges. "Dae-Hyung?!" 

In a matter of seconds, Namjoon was there kneeling in front of Kangdae with so much worry in his eyes that Kangdae wanted to hold him in his arms and never let go but he didn't and his limbs wouldn't let him.

"Is he okay?"

"No, he's not okay!"

Jimin and Hoseok stood in the doorway helplessly.

Namjoon grabbed the back of Kangdae's neck gently, "Breathe, Dae-Hyung, I've got you. I won't let anything happen to you." 

The younger helped him through the attack until Kangdae was silent and numb once again, eyes red and staring at nothing. He had just lost everything. First his father, then he killed his mother, the fans hate him and now so do both of his siblings who were more like his children than anything. The truth got out about Jin and now everyone can really see how much of a bad person he was, it was all out in the open for people to judge and hate him. He deserved it, he should just kill himself.

Suddenly, that one comment was making a lot of sense in Kangdae's broken mind.

Pulling himself off the floor, Kangdae walked out of the dorm and down the street without looking back and without hearing any of the protests from the members. He had to get out.

Everyone was informed of the recent events and it circled like a wildfire. Namjoon messaged their manager and Bang-PD who contacted Kyong who told his wife who, after no answer for three hours, contacted the police about a missing person who is possibly searching to hurt themself. But, in the end, it was Anja who found Kangdae sitting on the edge of a barren bridge and it was her that coaxed him down.

"Hey, baby," Anja softly greeted the tear-stained man, slowly taking a seat beside him.

Kangdae turned to stare at the woman, with warm eyes and a sad smile but all he saw was a woman that was no more and it only broke him further as he sobbed out one word that brought Anja to tears in seconds, "Eomma."

Anja wrapped her arms around him as he fell into her chest and cried, "I'm here, baby, mama's here." Her voice cracked.

Kyong found them not long after, telling Namjoon of the man's whereabouts which caused quite the concern.

"Oh my god." Namjoon read over the message five times at least.

Jimin sat up, "What?"

Namjoon looked around at all of their faces with fear in his eyes, "They found him on the side of a bridge."

Kangdae was bundled up in blankets and Kyong's coat, leaving Anja's car behind so they could all ride home together. To think what would have happened if Anja hadn't found him when she did.

As soon as they entered through the front door, Namjoon wrapped his arms around Kangdae tightly, not wanting to let go, "Please. Please, don't do that again." He whispered into his shoulder, voice shaking.

Hesitantly, Kangdae took the younger in his arms, "I'm sorry."

"You wouldn't have..." Namjoon pulled back to look at Kangdae with bleary eyes, "would you?"

Kangdae didn't say anything.

That was when Jin walked up to the pair, softly pushing Namjoon away as he stared like he was holding everything back for the past few years. His pretty face contorted in pain and he slapped Kangdae hard, "How dare you?" He whispered.

"Jin," Kyong warned but it was quickly ignored.

"After everything... you try to kill yourself? I thought you were smarter than that."

Kangdae kept his head turned to the side from the hit, feeling the sting envelop his face.

"You're not allowed to take the easy way out," Jin hiccupped, "If I'm not, you're not."

After all of the tears and promising to never do it again, Namjoon took Kangdae to their shared room to rest and to keep an eye on him. They sat there rather awkwardly backs facing one another as they sat on either side of the bed.

Kangdae didn't want to say anything, he didn't know what he would say if he even wanted to and he was sure Namjoon found it difficult as well. The air was tense but it wasn't uncomfortable and Kangdae almost laid down in his moment of complete exhaustion but he knew Namjoon wanted to talk he would listen.

"Dae-Hyung," Namjoon began, quickly cutting himself off before finding the right words, "were you and... were you and Jin-Hyung in love?"

Kangdae looked down at the floor apprehensively and sighed, "Yes, we were. We grew up together and did everything together. We always knew we loved each other, it just took us a while to realise we were in love."

"But you loved someone else?" Namjoon questioned and Kangdae remained silent, "Please tell me what happened, Dae-Hyung."

And so, Kangdae told the younger man everything.