I Lied | BTS

16

It was weird to think Jin would actually ever want to willingly talk to him but he called Namjoon out of the room and walked in slowly after. Kangdae could see him out of the corner of his eye standing there so stiff, wanting to say something but unsure of where to start.

Eventually, Jin sat beside Kangdae with a large gap between them, eyes shifting from the side of his blank face to anywhere else in the room. It was unnerving wondering what the older one would mutter or yell, maybe he would slap him again.

"You didn't tell them," Jin mumbled, running a hand down his leg seemingly to wipe off the sweat from his nerves.

Kangdae shrugged, "How was I supposed to tell them the person they loved as a brother more than their own brother was broken-hearted by the person that raised them and who they thought was good and safe?"

"I meant to say goodbye but... "

"I know."

Jin fully turned to him but Kangdae didn't look up, "You're not a monster, Kangdae. Even if what you did was terrible, it doesn't make you a monster."

Hearing such a lie had Kangdae's eyes meeting Jin's with nothing but sincerity and hopelessness, "Yes, it does." He whispered.

Jin sighed and blurted a question that gave Kangdae a jolt of shock, "Did you ever love me?"

"What?"

"I mean... after what you did I just wondered if any of it was real or if I was just projecting my own feelings onto you."

Kangdae frowned like he had heard absurd, "Of course it was real, Jin. I loved you with everything I had, I poured my soul into you and gave you my heart. You were everything to me."

"And you just threw it all away?"

"I was stupid."

"Because you loved her." Jin hummed.

"I didn't-"

"You did, I heard you say it. Don't lie to me, Kangdae."

"Bub, I-" Kangdae quickly noticed his mistake and huffed, looking to the ground once again, "Sorry."

"I still can't believe you're that same person from so long ago." Jin got up and left the room, leaving Kangdae to his loud thoughts and rapid heartbeat.

"Neither can I." He muttered into the silence.

No one thought it was a good idea to leave Yoongi and Kangdae alone in a room but it had to be done, they had to do their work, and Kangdae followed after the younger complaint or even a word because he knew it would only cause an argument. They sat there in silence doing their own work separately, it was awkward ad uncomfortable and both of them couldn't wait until it was time to leave and not be in each other's presence any longer.

Kangdae wondered if Yoongi was the one that hated him the most or if it was Taehyung, they both seemed to have a very strong dislike for him and it seemed Yoongi wanted to tell him why as he turned to Kangdae with narrowed eyes.

"I always knew you weren't as good a person as you showed yourself to be." Yoongi sneered.

Kangdae understood his behaviour and yet what he said still slightly irked him because it wasn't true and he oddly needed to tell him so, "I never tried to make myself look like a good person, I did my best is all. Obviously, it wasn't enough."

"You broke Jin-Hyung's heart."

"Yes, I know, Yoongi." Kangdae sighed, throwing his pen down onto his notebook.

Yoongi scoffed at his display of frustration, "Aren't you going to stand up for yourself?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know. Don't you want to make yourself look better or something?"

"You think what you want of me, Yoongi, I don't care, I'm tired." His head fell into his palm and his eyes dropped.

"You always say that," Yoongi mumbled, his fight suddenly gone.

"It's because it's true."

"Then sleep and stop complaining."

"How will sleep help when it is my soul that is tired?" Kangdae raised his voice before he even realised, "I just wish to sleep and never wake up but that can't happen so I'm stuck here."

Yoongi stopped for a moment, just staring, "You actually did want to kill yourself... didn't you?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Kangdae turned away.

"Well, I do." He moved his chair closer to Kangdae, "It doesn't matter how much I hate you I don't want you to die."

"That's bullshit." 

"You can't just die! You deserve a second chance."

Kangdae's eyes widened at the exclamation, air lost from his lungs at the new words that just felt so powerful for him to hear, "What did you say?" He gazed upon a frowning Yoongi with glistening eyes.

"You deserve a second chance, Kangdae." He said slowly.

Kangdae had never heard such a saying confessed to him in all his life and he wondered if it were true, if he really did or if it was something said so easily like that because it had Kangdae tripping over his words, "I-"

"Has no one ever told you that before?"

"It doesn't matter." Kangdae averted his gaze.

"Kangdae... if it means you make up with Jin... I will help you. I know what it's like to feel like that."

"Have you broken the heart of your best friend before? Killed your Eomma? Been hated by your siblings?"

"You didn't kill your Eomma. You made a difficult choice and it was the right one."

"Yeah, that's what I told myself. I just- I didn't have the money to keep her alive and I wouldn't be able to take care of her if she woke up."

"You did the right thing, Kangdae."