I Lied | BTS

13

TW!: Hate comments

The entire group had been oddly quiet after the concert while Kangdae locked himself away in his room once again, not able to face any of them, not even Namjoon who had taken to sleep right against the edge of the bed like he didn't want to touch him. It wasn't like Kangdae was doing it all on purpose, sometimes when he woke he just couldn't physically get out of bed and no matter how sad he felt nothing would come out of his eyes. It felt like a curse.

But on the second day, after practice with a more tolerable Chanwoo, Namjoon had grabbed hold of Kangdae's wrist and sat him down on the couch wordlessly. Jimin was there beside him with a sad smile which he couldn't return while Namjoon's hand never left his arm as if he making sure he wouldn't run off.

"We're going live," Was all that was said before all of the others sat relatively close around the living room and in front of a propped-up phone. Kangdae was squished rather harshly, hip to hip and arms overlapping with either man but he didn't say anything and the phone was quickly turned on.

It seemed they had put Kangdae directly in the middle of the camera.

"Hello Army," Namjoon waved with his free hand, "We're happy to see you again. How are you?"

The comments came flooding in, some too fast to read and it was overwhelming Kangdae as it would anyone. Kangdae saw himself on the phone and without thinking, he frowned at the sight. Dark bags lay under his eyes, his skin was pale and his face was gaunt. Had he been eating? He couldn't remember. 

"Why does Kai look sick?" Hoseok read aloud and everyone turned to the one in the middle who suddenly snapped back into reality.

Kangdae blinked, "What?" 

Namjoon chuckled slightly for the camera but Kangdae could hear how fake it was, "We've all been working very hard and our new member has been pushing himself, that's all." He gently squeezed Kangdae's wrist.

Kangdae couldn't win. If he said nothing they said he was too quiet and if he spoke they told him he talked too much and should learn when to shut up. He opted to stay silent for a lot of the vlive to save himself from the harsher comments but that didn't mean there were any less. Kangdae could barely read them but he caught a few.

'Why does Kai look like he has no idea what's going on?'

'Does anyone else see Suga and V glaring at Kai??'

'I bet the members hate Kai.'

'He's not even needed, why is he there?'

'Why does he look like that?'

'Jin won't even look at him, wowe.'

Kangdae only sank further into his seat, wanting to escape but knowing Namjoon nor Jimin would let him get far. They would say he was running from his problems, not ready for the life of an idol and they were probably right. Kangdae should have asked to be a producer or even a solo artist so he didn't have to encroach on the group. 

But then one comment really stuck out and it was one the others saw too.

'He should just kill himself, he doesn't deserve anything.'

They didn't know him, they had no idea who Kangdae really was, so why did it hurt so much?

Without giving much of a reaction, Kangdae turned his head and sank more, his nose almost touching Namjoon's shoulder.

He doesn't deserve anything.

Once the live was done, Kangdae waited, wondering when the right time was so he could leave without it being rude but eventually he stood from the couch with Namjoon still holding onto him and with a concerned look.

Kangdae gave a small smile, "I'm tired. Night." He pulled his hand away and headed back to his room and still, no tears fell.

Night fell and it was into the late hours that Kangdae noticed there was not another body lying next to him, he had been so preoccupied trying to force his tired mind to rest that he hadn't noticed the door opening or the hesitant steps or the subtle dip of the bed. Where was Namjoon?

Getting out of bed with more force than needed, Kangdae headed into the living room with the only light being from the lamplights below. That was where he saw the man, alone and sleeping in the darkness like he didn't want to intrude on Kangdae or maybe, perhaps, he didn't want to see him at all.

Kangdae frowned down at the leader, quickly dropping a blanket over when he saw the younger one shiver in his sleep. He didn't stick around and, instead, exited the dorm altogether with his phone open to a series of texts between him and his manager who was obviously still awake.

The night was cold and the streets were ominous but Kangdae just pulled his hoodie closer to his body and made his way to the house that he knew would feel much more like home.

"Come in, you'll freeze to death." Was the first thing Kyong said to him when he opened the front door on a shaking Kangdae standing there uncomfortably. 

Inside was warm and inviting and just so welcoming and when he walked past the threshold of the house a blanket was wrapped around him by a doting Anja, "Look at you, you're blue." She shook her head, hands flattening the bed hair on Kangdae's head.

Kangdae shrugged, "I couldn't find my coat."

"Nonsense, you just left without thinking about anything else," Anja retorted, "Probably rolled out of bed like this."

Kangdae and Kyong both chuckled fondly.

This was his real home, he just wished his kids were there with him.