"FINE" LIES

Tears

Saturday, October 18

I woke up around ten thirty the next a day. I kept thinking about Kaiden. His words kept swirling around in my head. It reminded me of what I thought about during my first cut. I went into the bathroom. I tried pouring cold water on my face to snap out of it. Nothing changed. I still felt bad and kept thinking about Kaiden. I opened the the cabinet under the sink. I reached far back and grabbed a razor. As I looked back at it, the last sentence Kaiden said swirled around my head.

"And you can thank those stupid razors for that."

I dropped the razor and cried. These razors would always have a hold on me. I'd never be able to escape. The serpent had me in chains. I'd do whatever he wanted just to keep him at bay. But I was going insane. I was losing myself more and more as time went along.

"Cutting will make you feel better." I'd woken up the serpent. I didn't want him here. I didn't listen to him. I wasn't going to cut.

"Your only hurting yourself."

I kept up a fight. But I felt the rope pulling me up slip out of my fingertips. I was falling into the arms of the serpent. I grabbed the razor and opened up my flesh. I couldn't stop crying. And I wouldn't. Blood was spilling out of my arm from the many cuts I made. I watched as the blood dripped down my arm, mixing in with my tears. About five minutes passed before I cleaned up my wounds. I had to stop cutting but I couldn't. It was a part of me, a part I was afraid of losing.

I laid in my bed and went on my phone. I remembered it was Andy's birthday. I sent him a text saying happy birthday.

"Thanks," Andy texted back. "Are you coming to the party?"

"No, I'm too sad to go," I texted back.

"Kaiden?"

"Of course."

"Well, when can I see you next?"

"At school on Monday."

"That's too far. I NEED to see you sooner."

I tried to not pay attention to the fact that Andy said "need" in all capitals. "Sunday, then?"

"Perfect. I'll see you then."

I turned on my Tv. I was watching it for a while before I got a call.

"Hey," Scarlett said.

"Hi," I said, sadly.

"I heard about the break up."

"From who?"

"In Kaiden's Instagram bio, it went from taken to single."

"Oh."

"What happened?"

Everything that happened that night replayed in my mind. I choked on tears.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said.

"Are you okay?" Scarlett asked.

"Not really. It's only ten and I already had a break down."

"I'm coming over."

"No, don't."

"Too bad. It's all ready decided." She hung up.

My dad came in my room with a plate. It had scrambled eggs and three strips of bacon on it.

"I brought breakfast," my dad said.

"I don't feel like eating," I mumbled.

That didn't stop him from putting it on my desk. "What's wrong?"

"Everything."

He sat on my bed. He rubbed my back. "What happened last night?"

"Kaiden broke up with me."

"And left you in the rain?"

I nodded. "I don't even think he wants to be my friend anymore."

"You don't need someone like that in your life, Danielle."

"I wish I realized that earlier."

"That Andy kid is a good one."

I nodded. I tugged on the sleeve of Andy's jacket. I felt like it tied me to Andy some how.

"Scarlett is coming over," I said.

"When?" My dad asked.

"I imagine soon."

"I'll send her up when she comes."

"Thanks, dad."

He kissed me on the side of my head. "You're welcome."

When Scarlett did come about ten minutes later, she sat next to me on my bed.

"Danielle," Scarlett said. "I want to know what's wrong."

I sat up and looked at her. I wanted to spill everything. But I couldn't. I sighed and placed my head on Scarlett's lap. I started to cry.

"He said that I was disguising," I cried.

Scarlett ran her fingers through my hair. "Why?"

I told her. I told her everything: my cutting, my depression, Hannah's role in it all, the serpent, and how the serpent wanted me to be with Kaiden and I didn't want to be with him.

"Have you told anyone else?" Scarlett asked.

I sniffled. "No, you're the first I told."

"You should tell the rest of our friends."

"I've been wanting to for a while."

"When you do, I'll be there to help you."

"Thank you."

"Will you be okay on your own?"

"Yeah, I'll call you if I'm not okay."

"Okay."

After Scarlett left, I ate my breakfast. I was feeling slightly better than before. Kaiden still clouded my mind, but not as much as before.

Around noon, my mom came into my room.

"Your dad told me what happened," my mom said.

"Okay," I said.

"How are you feeling?"

"I've been better. I've been worse."

"Don't waste your time thinking about him."

I wish it was that easy. "I didn't even want to be with him, mom."

"Then why were you with him?"

"He looked so happy in the relationship. It was the happiest I've ever seen him."

"Sometimes your happiness is more important."

I spent the rest of the day watching Tv. I didn't go downstairs to eat dinner, but my dad gave me a plate when he was done his.

"How's your door?" I asked.

"It's doing fine," my dad said.

"I'm proud of you."

"I'm proud of me, too."

"You should be. You're working for something you love and I respect that."

That night as I went to sleep, I tried not to think about Kaiden. It was hard. All I saw was him and the times we shared. But then I thought about Andy and how he made me feel. I liked Andy and I hoped one day I'd be able to admit that to him.