Stay - Yang Jungwon 양 정원

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍

The next morning, everyone continued practicing as if they weren't talking about switching me and Heeseung's back to our original parts last night.  They probably thought I didn't hear them.  Once Nicholas had finally come downstairs, being the last one to arrive in the practice room, I put away the tablet, "Uh everyone?" I cringed slightly, feeling weird since I had to amplify more voice more.  They all turned to me, looking confused. "I'm pulling the leader card and we're not going to practice right now—"

"What? Why?"

"We only have two days left—"

"I know we only have two days left," I said, wringing my hands, "So that's why we need to talk about the team again and producer Rain's evaluation.  So can we all sit in a circle?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.  I forced myself to lean towards being more angry rather than anxious when talking with them.  I needed to get this out of the way, then I could have a panic attack afterward.

It was clear that everyone was suspicious as we sat down.  Jungwon and Geonu seemed to be the only calm ones as they just shrugged before taking their seats. "So..." I sighed, trying to think about how to say my words without offending anyone. "I heard your guys' conversation last night.  I know some of you," I resisted the urge to look at certain people.  But pretty much everyone flinched when I mentioned this.  They all looked guilty, "....think we should switch centers again.  And I completely get why," I said honestly. "But, I think, it's a bit unfair for all of us, if I don't explain why I was so 'out of it,' during the evaluation," I said, quoting whoever said that last night. I took a deep breath and looked at Jungwon who gave me an encouraging smile. I clapped my hands together, "To get straight to the point, I have really bad anxiety," I couldn't help but laugh almost. "It gets really bad in situations when I feel under a lot of pressure, I get overwhelmed... and I'm working on it, but it's not going away overnight," I admitted. I paused to let the facts sink in and also so I could blink away any tears that were forming.

"So... that's why you went to the blue room after the evaluation? Because you were anxious?" K asked quietly.

I nodded, "I was holding back a panic attack and I didn't want to break down in front of all of you... so I just cried it out in the bathroom," I excused quickly, not wanting to get into the panic attack itself. "But that was when I heard you guys talking about me," I said calmly, watching their faces.  Most of the boys just looked at each other, I could easily see the guilt and realization. "Don't feel sorry, because you guys were just expressing your thoughts. But I did find it... unfair... if we had switched centers and I couldn't explain myself properly," I said, my voice shaking at the end.

Seon looked at me, "Well, I guess, if you heard us, what do you think about switching the center?  Do you think you can handle it until the end of the test,"

"I..." I took a deep breath, I knew I'd have to answer this question, one way or another. "I know I can perform well and get a good score to add to the team average.  But I understand if you guys think that something otherwise would be better for the team.  I want what's best for our performance, all of us do.  If you want to replace me with Heeseung, I understand.  However, if we don't switch, I'm not saying I will be perfect at leading on stage or being a leader in general, that is going to take time... time that is well beyond two days," I said carefully.  I knew what I was capable of, and I knew how much I'd been improving.  But they didn't, and if they wanted to still take me out of the center, I wouldn't argue.

No one really said anything.  Each one of them seemed to be in their own head as my words registered.  It was silent until Heeseung spoke up, " I think... Chaeri should remain the center and leader.  We made the decision and chose for a reason.  She's a great performer and will give us a good score.  Will it be perfect? No one will know, and we still wouldn't know if we switched again.  So I think it's better to confidently build off what we have now than change everything again and start from scratch.  I'm confident Chae can lead us just as well if anyone else did," He said without almost zero hesitation.  I couldn't help but smile.  I was worried that Heeseung would have gladly taken back the center position after everything that had happened.  I couldn't be happier that he wanted me to be center still.