An Unfinished Painting

10- The Start of a Novel

    It has only been a couple days since that night I spent with May. I wish I did not have to see her anytime soon, but here I am again, teaching the class she is currently in. I hoped that I would be able to avoid seeing her, but I would call her a rather, pro-active person.

"Afternoon Professor." May skipped happily towards me, "You look a little tired, have you been sleeping alright?" She asked as she walked up towards me. I really do not know how college students have so much energy, even I was not like that back in college I do not think I had as much energy as May does. May was wearing a light green sweater with brown pants. I stared at her for a moment, her skin was glowing and her eyes were sparkling.

"Thanks." I looked away. On the contrary, I was wearing grey pants with a white button up and a long grey winter coat. My hair is a mess from forgetting to brush it, now it is currently being held in a low pony tail that at any time could fall out. The bags under my eye are starting to darken and the headache I have had for the past two days has not gone away.

"Let's grab coffee!" May grabbed my arm, pulling me along, "My treat!"

"Let go." I pulled my arm away, "We're at school May." I said in a serious tone.

"I'm sorry." Her puppy ears lowered, which in a way made me feel a little bad. Leading me to force a smile on my face that immediately re-energized May.

The same coffee shop, the same seat, and the same order. I sat across from May, staring at the cold cup of coffee.

"You even drink cold coffee in this weather?" I looked up at May who was drinking a hot latte.

"Yeah, I've never been a fan of hot drinks." May's eyes looked lighter than usual, reminding me of Daisy. I felt my heart drop when I thought of Daisy. "Hey May" I looked back down at the square ice cubs in my drink, "I'm sorry for the other night, I was drunk and not thinking straight. I really shouldn't have told you to come over." I looked back up to see May's blank face staring at me.

"I knew you were going to say that," May lightly smiled and took a deep sigh, "You've said sorry for everything, even the time we kissed, you say sorry as if you regretted it. Do you? Do you regret it? Sleeping with me? Kissing me?"

"No" I defensively said. "I don't regret it." I tightly held my hand in a fist below the table, "It's just, a teacher shouldn't be dating one of their students. Maybe I just feel guilty for everything about this situation."

"You haven't done anything to me that I did not want." May grabbed my hand that was on the table, "I like you Professor."

That is when it all clicked, the pretext that I have been looking for, the words I have been trying to search for. The white blank page that I have been staring at for years, it was right in front of me the whole time. I just needed to look somewhere different, like a new pair of eyes.

I sat up, "I need to go." I started to walk away but turned around before I left the table, "Come over whenever you like, I did agree to be your model." I turned back around, walking out the door and calling over a cab.

Rushing into my house, I ran up the stairs into the office room. The novels that I have written before were both about the land of the loss. I have written only fairy tails, even as a kid I wrote a specific genre of fiction books in order to escape from reality. Which made me become stuck with the idea that I needed to write about something other than the hell in which humans call reality.

May, if only you were not so young. Then maybe we would have meet sooner, maybe I would have realized everything before I already drowned deep into the dark sea. I am scared. I am lonely. I fear rejection and pain. I do not know what it is like to have someone love me in the way a man loves a women or a women loves a man. I have feared my parents my whole life, the fear that made me want to rip my own hair out, the fear that made me want to end this painful life. The fear that made me slowly turn numb to everything around me.

I fell in love once, I fell in love with a girl. Little did I know that day I fell in love, I would fall into the dark sea and lifelessly drown. Drowning too deep, too deep for anyone to save me, not even myself.