Cruising Through The Clouds (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 30

Kabanata 30

Leaving

HANGGANG ngayon hindi pa rin nagsi-sink in sa akin na engaged na ako kay Anthony. But given the warmth his body gives me while he's hugging me, it feels surreal.

There are what-ifs on my mind, pero winaksi ko iyon. I know we've been in a not serious relationship before the accident happened, pero hindi rin naman pinaramdam ni Anthony sa akin na balewala lang ako sa kanya. In a matter of fact, I did it to him for how many times, thinking that maybe he'll find someone when the time comes and lose his interest in me.

Given na kasi sa akin iyong hindi magme-maintain ng isang babae ang mga piloto o kaya kadalasan sa kanila, and Anthony is not in an exemption box for that. Kaya ngayong nag-propose siya sa akin ay parang hindi kapani-paniwala.

I now start thinking about the future—our future. Alam ko kasi that Anthony won't give up his job because I know how every aviator treasures the aviation world. Every aviator cruised through the clouds in search of their dreams. And I did the same. Siguro, I'll just give up being in the aviation world if I really need to.

"What are you thinking?" Umiling ako.

Anthony sniffed my hair, and I felt he kissed it.

"You're not thinking of leaving me again, are you?"

Bahagya akong napaahon mula sa pagkakayakap ni Anthony dahil sa narinig ko. I turn my back to face him.

I stared at him. Namumungay ang mga mata nitong nakatitig sa akin na para bang binabasa nito ang laman ng isip ko.

"What made you say that?" I shut my left brow up, cupped his face, and stared at him in his eyes.

Anthony licks his lower lip and sighs.

"Because maybe... maybe you're regretting that you said yes to me."

Anthony's breathing hitched. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung matatawa, maiiyak o masasaktan ako sa sinabi nito. He's really serious about his doubt, and I slowly felt a pang of pain.

"Did I make you feel like that?" I slanted my head. "Because I never felt like that, Anthony. Hindi ang pagsisisi na sinagot kita ang iniisip ko. I'm thinking about our future. I'm thinking that settling down with you is the best decision I've ever made."

Seryoso ako. Iyon lagi kong iniisip. I'm thinking about whether I'll continue my job here in the Philippines or go back to Washington with him. There are a lot of airlines here in the Philippines where I can work. My family has its own aviation school, where I can also work if I want to.

But of course, I need to consider his decisions too. We're going to approve every decision we're going to make together. Kasi nasa buhay ko na siya ngayon at gano'n din ako sa kanya. Hindi naman pwede na magde-desisyon lang ako ng sa akin without confirming it to him.

Anthony sighs and leans in closer to me. He then kissed my forehead.

"You don't make me feel like that, baby; I'm just overthinking because you already left me once." Bumuga ako ng hangin "Natatakot ako na baka makakita ka na naman ng rason para umalis na lang bigla nang hindi ko nalalaman. Natatakot ako na baka pagbalik ko, wala ka na. Hindi na kita mahagilap sa kung saan. Hindi ko yata kakayanin ulit na mawala ka sa akin."

Nanatiling nakadikit ang noo naming dalawa. Nanikip ang dibdib ko. I closed my eyes tightly and tried so hard not to cry.

"Nawalan din ako sa panahong iyon, Elane. Nawalan din ako kasi anak ko iyon. Sobrang sakit din no'n sa akin. Gusto kitang damayan sa mga panahong iyon. I don't want to leave you in the hospital, but I needed to for the investigation. Kaya kahit sobrang sakit sa akin na umalis muna, ginawa ko. Pero pinagsisihan ko rin na iniwan kita. Kasi nabalitaan ko na lang na umalis ka. Hindi ka nagpaalam sa mga magulang mo. Walang may alam kung nasaan ka. And I start thinking of worse scenarios because of that. Sinisi ko ang sarili ko."

My tears fell.

"Sana hindi na lang ako umalis. Sana hinayaan ko na lang na harapin ang kaso kesa sa malaman ko na umalis ka at iniwan ako."

Huminga ako ng malalim para makahinga naman ako nang maayos dahil para na akong nasasakal sa pagpipigil na humikbi.

"Iniisip ko na iniwan mo ako, kasi hindi ako deserving sa 'yo. Na hindi mo naman talaga ako mahal. Na wala ka naman talagang nararamdaman sa akin. I had a mental breakdown and cried my soul out, thinking that maybe you're just staying with me because I can give you what you want in bed, at kaya mo ako iniwan kasi nagsawa ka na. Kasi hindi na ako ang kailangan mo. Maybe you realized that I am not really the one you need—"

"Ssshh." I cut him off. I closed my eyes even more.

Ang bigat-bigat ng dibdib ko. Ang sakit-sakit ng nararamdaman ko.

I didn't know that this is what he feels. I didn't know that I made him feel like this.

"I'm sorry..." I muttered. "I'm so sorry for leaving you, Anthony... I don't intend to hurt you like this."

My tears streamed down my cheeks as if it were the first time I'd ever cried. Hindi ko mapigilan. Sobra-sobra akong nasasaktan.

Akala ko, leaving him will make him happy, kasi at last he'll dump me. Kasi akala ko ikasasaya niya iyon kasi sa wakas mababalikan niya na rin ang babaeng matagal niya nang mahal. Akala ko na sa pag-alis ako ay maghihilom na rin kaming dalawa. Hindi pala. Nagsimula rin pala akong maghiwa ng sugat sa kanya dahilan para mas masaktan siya.

Since I lost my child, I'm at the point in my life where I don't expect too much from people anymore. I'm at the point where, if you don't want to be in my life, I will not stop you. If the efforts I make do not get reciprocated, that's perfectly fine. If you can't equate my love for you, I will respect that. If you do not like me, I can accept that.

It takes maturity to reach this point. It takes self-love to be on this level. It's honestly too tiring to please people. It is so tiring to beg for people to be part of your life. It is pointless to force someone to be on the same page with you.

I was at the point in my life where if someone stays, they're mine, and if they're not, then I'll let it go. It is too tiring to keep forcing things to happen. It is too painful to see your efforts go unnoticed. It is not worth it to beg for someone just to let them see how much I love them. It is not worth chasing people because I deserve better.

It is too unnecessary to force anyone into our lives. It is too tiring to make reconciliations for people who do not deserve them. I won't regret anything, especially if I made efforts to make it work in the past. I prefer to focus on my life. I focus on people who love me. I embrace change. After all, that is the only constant in this world.

And after what Anthony did, I don't think I deserve him because he's too good to be true.