looking through his glasses.

Part 1 / i wish i was yours

i'm so pissed
that you slipped through my fingers like fucking water and i didn't hold on tight enough.
you were water in my hand
and although it's hard to hold
i want to try to hold as much of you as i can, even if it's only the slightest bit before it dries up in the palm of my hand.
i'm reading into you.
way more than i should be.
more than i have any one else.
maybe that's why i love you so much
you require reading and thinking about to understand.
you're not an open book
not to everyone.
but to me you are.
you always have been.
our friendship grew on this.
i want to lay next to YOU at night
even if that meant giving up my spacious bed for your twin size bed.
you always see through my disguise,
you know the difference of me kidding and me being serious.
you know the things that make me tick
and what makes me upset but
somehow you don't see this breaking my heart.
i'm tired of see you around;
see you tomorrow
i'm tired of being friends.
best friends don't cut it for me either.
you make it hard to breathe when i'm in the same room as you
some days it's in a butterflies type of way
some days it's in a nauseous i hate that i love you type of way.
i want to be there for your first for everything else you have left in your life.
i'm so hurt,
i'll say i love you and not care if you say it back.
no.
that's a lie.
i do care
but i'm not afraid to tell you even when i know you feel indifferent.
i want to get drunk around you one more time, but not to make the same mistake twice i just want to tell you all the love songs i listen to - i'm thinking about you.
i want to tell you how right before going to bed, i think of you at night
how i go down on myself to the thoughts of you during the day.
i want to tell you that it's your name i'm looking for first thing in the morning.
how i keep your notifications allowed during do not disturb and how many times i've woken up to them and wasn't even mad i lost sleep replying to them.
can you feel my jealousy across the room when you're away from me?
there's so much to say
and although you don't belong to someone else
i do
but i wish it was you.