SHIELDER (CPAGS Epilogue)

Part 1

When people ask me about my earliest childhood memories, my answer would always be:

"My parents beating up my brother."

Although most of the time, it was my dad. I always watch him throw punches at my brother. He wasn't even holding back and every time it landed on any part of my brother's body, I could see the impact as he always looked hurt. At kapag ganoon, parang mas lalo pang nagagalit si dad.

Parang ayaw n'yang nagpapakita ng epekto si kuya sa bawat suntok at sipa na natatanggap n'ya. Ayaw n'ya sa tuwing natutumba si kuya dahil sa lakas ng atake n'ya. Ayaw din n'ya kapag hindi nakakaiwas si kuya sa mga suntok n'ya.

And I always watched them. Secretly. 'Cause for some reason, my parents didn't want me to see what they were doing with him.

I know that was the case. 'Cause, they do it at places they thought I wouldn't find.

My mom, on the other hand, was teaching my brother how to fire dance. But she wasn't holding back either. Wala pa nga yata s'yang pakialam kung mapaso si kuya at hindi titigil hangga't hindi natututunan ni kuya ang bawat routine na itinuturo n'ya.

Despite my parents not wanting me to see those, I would always find a way so I could watch them. I couldn't help the curiosity in me. I was really curious.

Ang daming tanong ang pumapasok sa isip ko sa tuwing pinapanood ko sila. Why are they doing it? What are they doing? Why... are they only doing it with kuya? Why won't they do it with me too? Bakit kay kuya lang? Bakit palaging si kuya na lang?

Nauubos ang oras nila sa ginagawang 'yon kay kuya. They always do it in their spare time.  Habang ako ay binibigyan nila ng mapaglilibangan. They let me watch children's movies. Maghahanda si mom ng meryenda para sa akin at iiwan na n'ya akong mag-isa sa sala. Kapag nagsawa ako, pumapasok ako sa kwarto ko.

They gave me a laptop one time when I told them I was getting bored with just watching cartoons. They downloaded games for me. Hinayaan nila ako sa anumang gusto kong gawin sa laptop. In that way, they thought I wouldn't find out what they were doing with kuya.

But I did. When I get tired of just watching and playing games with my laptop, I secretly watch them.

That made me so curious. I think that was the biggest curiosity I had when I was a kid.

One time, my mother watched with me in the living room. I knew dad was beating up my brother again. At kasama ko si mommy dahil hindi n'ya araw para turuan mag-fire dancing si kuya kaya binabantayaan ako ngayon.

We watched some action movies. My eyes were glued to the TV. The guy in the movie punched the goons. Naalala ko ang nakita kong pagsuntok ni daddy kay kuya noon.

I glanced at my mom. Seryoso s'ya sa panonood ng palabas.

"Mom?" I called her attention.

"Yes, baby?" She didn't even look at me.

"Does dad love kuya?"

Saglit na napatingin sa akin si mommy. Maybe she was surprised by my question. Pero nakabawi rin agad at ibinalik ang tingin sa TV.

"Of course," she said.

Hmm. I was really curious.

"Does dad love me?"

Mom turned her full attention to me this time. She was smiling but there was confusion in her eyes.

"Of course, baby," she said. She reached for my cheeks and wiped off the crumbs from the cookie I was eating. "Daddy loves you. We love you. Both you and your kuya."