SHIELDER (CPAGS Epilogue)

Part 11

Psychologist. Psychiatrist. Therapist.

Those were the professionals recommended to me when I searched about the things happening to me. They said that it might have something to do with my brain and mind. So, I should seek out their help.

At first, I was skeptical. I never really rely on Google when it comes to sickness and symptoms. They tend to aggravate your symptoms into something worse. Imbes na malaman mo kung anong sakit ang meron ka, pakakabahin ka lang sa pag-aakalang malala ang sakit ko.

But then, I don't know what to think anymore. Hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong nangyayari sa 'kin. I still haven't found any answer yet. At naging sunod-sunod ang mga araw na wala akong maalala.

There was even one time, for a brief moment, that my body was moving on its own. I was moving but I wasn't the one making those movements. I felt paralyzed inside my own body, my own mind. Pero patuloy pa rin sa pagkilos ang katawan ko.

And when I started to feel frightened, the feeling stopped. I could control my body again.

I began to research what was happening to me after that. And those professionals were the most recommended that I should get myself checked into.

But I'm having second thoughts. I'm not crazy. Ayokong isipin na nababaliw lang ako.

Pero... Hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano'ng gagawin ko. I really want to know what's happening to me.

And so, I decided to consult a psychiatrist. I messaged her first and told her about my symptoms. She immediately gave me an appointment after that.

Pumunta ako sa clinic n'ya nang mag-isa. Nang walang pinagsasabihan tungkol doon. I was... embarrassed. Most people would think that if you're seeing a shrink, it was because you're crazy. That was the stigma.

Ayokong isipin nilang baliw ako.

I was so damn scared as I entered her clinic. Hindi matigil sa panginginig ang mga kamay ko habang nakaupo ako sa sofa na nasa loob ng clinic n'ya.

"Grayson James... right?"

I nodded at Mrs. Pineda. She was in her mid-forties. May magaang ngiti sa mga labi n'ya habang nakaupo sa one-seater sofa sa harapan ko.

"Gray na lang po."

"Okay, Gray..." she said. "Before anything...  Are you alone o may kasama kang family member mo na nasa labas?"

Natigilan ako.

"Dapat po bang may kasamang family member? Hindi po ba pwedeng ako na lang din ang kausapin n'yo? Ako naman po ang may problema."

"No..." Marahan s'yang umiling. "Pero kaka-eighteen mo pa lang. It would be advisable to seek support with your family din. Kahit ngayong first session lang naman. The rest, it's okay kung ikaw na lang mag-isa."

Hindi kaagad ako nakapagsalita. I really don't want Kuya Hunter to know about this. I don't want to make him worry. I know that he was already having a hard time. Noong huli rin naming pag-uusap ay mas lalo kong nahalata ang pagiging pagod n'ya and his disappointment to himself that he still couldn't find the people he was looking for even after so many years.

There's Nanay Flor but... I knew she would still tell my brother about this. Kahit pa pakiusapan ko s'yang 'wag sabihin kay Kuya.

"Don't worry about it," sabi ni Mrs. Pineda nang may ilang sandali akong natahimik. "Mas mabuti kasi kung nakasuporta ang pamilya mo sa 'yo. But it's okay if you won't want them to know."

I sighed in relief with that. Ayoko talagang malaman ni Kuya, o ng kahit sino man ang nangyayari sa 'kin.

Mrs. Pineda was easy to talk to. Magaan s'yang kausap. I didn't feel that I was her patient while talking to her. She didn't make me feel like that. Para lang s'yang isang kaibigan na pinagkukwentuhan ko.