SHIELDER (CPAGS Epilogue)

Part 4

I was having a nightmare. I knew I was as I couldn't move my body at all. Nakatayo lang ako sa gitna ng gubat. It was so dark as it was already nighttime. Kulang ang liwanag ng buwan dahil natatakpan naman ang sinag noon ng mga malalagong dahon galing sa mga puno. But for some odd reason, I could see my surroundings clearly.

It was nighttime but I could remember this scene with the sun still up. Kaya siguro nakikita ko ang paligid ko ngayon.

And there was that boar. The boar that I killed. In front of me. Alive and staring at me with so much rage in his eyes.

I couldn't look away as I couldn't move my body. But I didn't want to look away too. Tinanggap ko ang galit sa mga mata n'ya. I welcomed the resentment in his eyes. Ang paninisi sa mga mata n'ya dahil kinuha ko ang buhay n'ya.

Then I felt something heavy in my hand. Napatingin ako roon at nakita kong may hawak na akong baril. My hands were full of blood, of the boar's blood. Nang muli akong tumingin sa hayop, nakita kong nakahandusay na iyon sa lupa at naliligo sa sariling dugo.

I did it. I killed the creature. I took away his life. And there was nothing I could do to undo what happened.

It was... frightening. Gusto ko nang umalis doon. I want to run away so I wouldn't see the creature's lifeless body. I don't want to see this scene anymore. I want to forget everything.

But I couldn't move. I couldn't even find my voice so I could scream for help. Maybe... My parents would hear me. Or Kuya Hunter. Pero hindi ko man lang mabuksan ang bibig ko. All I could make out were frightened whimpers.

I'm sorry... I won't do it again. I'm sorry...

"Gray."

If only I could take back the time, hindi na ko pupunta sa gubat. I wouldn't secretly take my father's gun just to prove I could also do what my brother could.

"Gray!"

I would be a good boy again. Hindi na 'ko magiging pasaway.

"Grayson!"

I jolted awake. I found my mother looking at me with worry in her eyes as she sat on the side of my bed. Disoriented, I looked around. I was still inside my room. There were no woods, no dead boar in front of me, just my mom who wiped my face with her warm hand. Hindi ko alam na umiiyak din pala ako.

"You were having a nightmare," mom said in her soft voice as she wiped the sweat on my forehead this time.

Hearing her soft voice, feeling her warm hand on my face gave me so much relief. Mas lalo pa akong napaiyak at yumakap ako sa bewang n'ya. Mahigpit na para bang magagawa n'yang tanggalin ang takot na naramdaman ko kanina.

"Shh..." She soothed me. Hinaplos n'ya ang buhok kong nabasa ng pawis. "It's okay, baby... You're safe now."

"I-I'm sorry, m-mom," humihikbi kong sabi.

It's because I'm not a good boy. Kasalanan ko. Maybe the nightmare was my punishment.

"Shh. It's alright, Gray. I'm here..."

Hinayaan lang ako ni Mommy na yakapin s'ya nang mahigpit at umiyak. Alam kong nababasa ang damit n'ya pero hindi n'ya pinansin 'yon. Patuloy lang s'ya sa paghaplos sa buhok ko, sa likod ko. At sa bawat paghaplos n'ya ay nababawasan ang takot ko. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang mawala iyon.

Nang maramdaman ni Mommy na kumalma na ako ay saka s'ya gumalaw. Bumalik ulit ang takot ko. Ayokong malayo sa kanya. Ayokong umalis s'ya dahil baka bangungutin na naman ako.

Kaya hinigpitan ko ang yakap ko sa bewang n'ya. Mahinang natawa si Mommy nang maramdaman iyon.

"Hindi ako aalis, Gray. I'll sleep beside you tonight."