Crossing Lines

26. An idiot

I'd been doing my best to ignore the feeling in my chest. It was like there was a spot that was empty. I felt sort of hollow but I just pushed myself forward not thinking about what that meant.

I knew what I was missing. I had spent an hour last night staring at my phone reading the short text exchanges and wishing a new one would pop up. And then I spent ten minutes trying to fight down the urge to take that step and send one first.

I couldn't be with Jake. I had ended things for a reason. Feelings weren't a good thing, I couldn't care about someone like that especially not someone like Jake. I didn't even think I knew what that meant anymore, someone like Jake. Maybe before the bathroom I would see it in a negative light, I would sit and highlight all his flaws keeping him firmly in the hate category. But now even those negative traits, his ego, the way he needed to control every situation, the way he acted as if he was better than everyone; all those things I hated didn't seem so bad anymore. And maybe that's because Jake was so much more than that.

Someone like Jake wasn't a negative anymore. It was someone who was confident and assertive, someone who was kind of impatient, someone who was kind and caring, an amazing leader. Someone I'd destroy without even trying to.

A knock on the front door shook me out of my thoughts. I was thankful for the interruption because I really needed to stop thinking about Jake. I was better than that.

I walked over swinging the door open to be met with a sight I'd hoped for many times but didn't actually expect.

Jake stood there in my doorway propped up on his crutches, his face totally blank of expression.

"Hey, did you want to come in and sit?" I asked stepping aside to let him in.

"No I don't plan to stay long." He shook his head not even moving to get out of the hallway.

"Oh ok." I replied not really knowing what to say.

"I just came by to tell you it wasn't me who put the crickets in your car. I didn't even ask them to do it they just wanted to defend me or whatever. I told them to lay off so you don't have to worry about anything else happening." I wasn't expecting him to come talk to me about that.

My car was another thing I'd been ignoring. Monroe and Jetson had been giving me rides for the past few days while I tried to figure out exactly what to do about cleaning it up.

"It's fine and you don't have to worry about my team retaliating. The only people that even know about it are my roommates and they promised to let it go." I told him.

"Ok good," He nodded. "I'm sorry about your car, I should have known Adam would do something like that." He sighed after a short pause.

"You don't need to apologize I get it." I deserved that and much more, I deserved a thousand more crickets for what I'd done.

"That's all I came here for so I'm going to go." Jake started to turn to leave and my whole body seized with panic.

I didn't want him to go. I wanted him here with me, I wanted to talk to him for a bit longer.

"Look I'm so-," I started.

"I really don't want to hear it. Please Ev just don't." Jake cut me off turning back to face me.

I should've listened and just dropped it. I should've just let him walk away. It would've been for the best. I should've just kept my mouth shut but I didn't. I opened my mouth and let stupid words flow out.

"Jake I didn't want to hurt you. You knew exactly what this was from the start."

"You're right, I guess I'm just an idiot for believing things might change."

His words twisted like a knife in my chest. He wasn't an idiot for thinking that. These words felt like so much more than anything he'd ever said before. Id heard the emotion in his voice in the hospital, I knew he had been hurt when I'd ended things. But this was the closest I've gotten to hearing him admit he had feelings just the same as I did.

"You're not an idiot." I told him not being able to say everything else that was right there begging to get out.

"I am an idiot. I'm such a fucking idiot for even letting you anywhere near me. I don't have many regrets in my life but this, you, might be my biggest one." And for the first time in the whole conversation Jake looked angry.

I had been hurt by words Jake had thrown at me before. I'd felt those verbal knives pierce into me. But nothing could prepare me for this. Nothing would ever compare to the pain I felt knowing I'd fucked this up for good.

"You don't mean that." I shook my head not wanting to believe any of it.

"Maybe not." He sighed his anger morphing back into sadness. "But I really wish I did."

I had broken Jake. I'd done that and standing here seeing the damage I'd caused was worse than anything else I'd endured. I thought I'd been doing the right thing. Maybe at first I had ended things because I was scared of the feelings I had unknowingly developed. But I had stayed away because I thought Jake was better for it. But seeing him like this made me want to take it all back. I wanted to scoop up all the pieces of my heart and hand it over to him. I wanted to try to make it all right.

But it was too late. I had ruined it all. So I didn't say anything to stop him as he turned and walked off without a goodbye. I just let him go regretting it more and more as I listened to the retreating click of his crutches against the ground.

A/n:

Writing Evan and Jake angst hurts my heart, I hate making my characters upset especially these two. I've grown way too attached to them since I started writing this book.

I'd been stuck with some writers block lately but last night I worked through it and started making some progress with the writing for this story. I'm super happy with how this story is turning out. I'm excited to share it with you all.

Also thank you to everyone who's read this story and showed support. It only helps motivate me to get chapters out when I see the love from you guys.

Hope you enjoyed the chapter.
-Cora Leigh