Crossing Lines

27. Fucked everything up

"Get up." Becca poked into my side hard.

"I'm sleeping." I groaned turning away from my best friend.

"I have cheesecake." She said trying to tempt me out of my cocoon of covers.

That was all she needed to say and I was sitting up looking over at my blonde bestie. She hadn't been lying, in her lap was a container with a slice of her moms cheesecake inside.

"How?" I asked reaching out to take it from her.

"Called my mom told her you were sad and I left early this morning to pick it up."

I loved my best friend. Seriously she might have been the best person I'd ever met. She'd gone out of her way just to try to cheer me up. She and her family were like home to me. I didn't really have that until I met Becca during freshman year orientation. She was the first person who I could be myself around and accept me anyway. She was the first person I was never afraid they'd leave.

"You're seriously the best." I told her shoving a bite of heavenly cheesecake into my mouth.

"I know." She laughed. "But I didn't get that for you just because I'm the best."

I eyed her and the cheesecake. I should have known. My best friend always had something up her sleeve.

"I should have known this was a bribe." I said.

"I let you be all sad and pathetic long enough, it's time to talk to me."

"What if I don't want to talk about it?" I asked trying to stall.

I think I was ready to talk things out with Becs. She always knew what to say to me. I knew that if anyone had advice on what I was supposed to do it would be her. But I was scared because part of me didn't want to think about exactly why I couldn't let myself be with Jake.

"I'll wait another week and maybe try to bribe you with poppyseed bread next time." She smiled.

"If I talk can I still get that bread?" I questioned really wanting as many baked goods from Becca's mom as I could get.

"On thanksgiving you can have as much bread and baked goodies as you want."

Just the thought had my mouth watering. I loved thanksgiving only because of Becca's mom and her cooking. It was one of the best days of the year because I could eat as much food as I wanted and I didn't have to see any of my own family members.

"Fine make me wait." I groaned teasingly.

"I got you cheesecake."

"And I'll never be able to thank you enough for this." I hugged the container to my chest.

"You never have to thank me. You know I'd do anything for you." She bumped my shoulder.

"I know." My throat started to close as an unexpected wave of emotion hit me.

Becca had been there for me since the day we met. She did everything she could to pull me out of the shit spot I was in. No matter how many times I thanked her it would never be enough for everything she'd done for me.

"I should thank you more often. You saved me Becs and I'll never be able to repay you for that." I confessed.

"Don't make me cry." She leaned over to pull me into a hug.

We just sat like that for a few seconds. I loved her so much I didn't know where I'd be without her. She was my sister in every way that counted.

"I think I fucked everything up Bec." I told her.

It was time to tell her. I needed to voice all the problems out loud. I couldn't hide any longer.

"What happened?"

"I broke things off, I really hurt him. I wasn't even thinking about how it would effect him, I didn't think about his feelings for even a second. I was only thinking about myself and how I needed to get out. How shit of a person does that make me?"

"You're not a shit person Ev. I know letting people in is hard and you are a stubborn idiot who never lets yourself be happy. It kills me to see you like this but you aren't shitty for freaking out sometimes. I know it feels like you fucked everything up but you can still fix things or at least try to make it all right. If you care about him maybe it's worth a shot to try."

"What if it's not worth it? What if I'm not worth it for him?" I voiced my insecurities.

"You're worth everything Ev and I'll never forgive all the people that made you feel like you aren't. Having you in my life is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know you feel like it's hard to love you but loving you has been the easiest thing I've ever done. You're my family and there won't be a day that goes by that I regret my decision in choosing you as my brother."

Her words hit me right in the heart. I wanted to cry because I didn't think I'd ever had anyone say words like that to me. I'd gotten used to the insults and the constant reminders of how I wasn't good enough. I had grown used to letting everyone down constantly but Becca had sat here and given me the one thing I'd been searching for growing up. She'd given me that familial love I'd seen everyone else have. 

"I'm pretty fucked up arent I?" I laughed slightly through the threat of tears.

"You've been hurt Ev, those scars don't heal overnight."

And I knew she was right. I'd been working on trying to heal all my old scars for years but they never seemed to stop reopening. Sometimes it was because of myself and sometimes when I had to go back home they were sliced back open forcefully.

"I think I want to try, I want to try to be better."

Even if it didn't work I deserved to try to find happiness. I needed to fight for things I wanted and the only thing I wanted right now was to give this thing with Jake a serious chance. Somehow I needed to find a way to apologize and make it right with him. And I think I knew where I needed to start.

A/n:

I thought I'd give you all a little extra midweek chapter. I was ill for a few days due to over ingestion of caffeine. I felt terrible for days and I couldn't do much writing but  I'm feeling better and want to write as many chapters of this book before I start my new job.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter!
-Cora Leigh