Becoming Kennedy

13- Stella

The next week was decently uneventful for a change. I would get up, go to school, sit through class, think about Luke, eat lunch with the girls, avoid Ethan, think about Ethan, sit through class some more, think about Luke, go home, and repeat. Things actually seemed normal for a bit. But of course, my life can't stay normal for too long.

"Kennedy!" I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to see Ethan. It was Friday afternoon and I had spent nearly all week slipping into empty classrooms when I saw him in the hallways, sitting in the middle of Abigail and Stella at lunch so he wouldn't approach, and basically doing anything I could to keep him off my mind. I felt bad, but Ethan was a complication, and I knew if I talked to him I would keep falling for him.

"I haven't seen you all week! Is everything alright?" He looked at me with concern in his eyes, and it made me want to melt. "Oh yeah everything's fine. I've just been really busy lately."

Lie.

"I'm sorry, I actually have to go I have a ton of homework."

Another lie.

I loved talking to Ethan because I could be myself, but now I was lying to him too. I guess I was destined to be a fake with everyone I met. I start to walk away when he grabs my hand again. "Um Kennedy? It's Friday.....what homework do you have to do?"  Fuck.  This is the second time this has happened.  I need new excuses.

"Did I say homework? I meant housework!" He gives me a doubtful expression, and I can tell he knows I'm full of shit.  "I swear! My room is an absolute mess, and my mom just won't tolerate it anymore.  Talk monday?"  I don't wait for a response, and start to leave.  I feel really bad.  I want to be able to talk to Ethan, I really do.  I just can't deal with him right now, not along with everything else that's on my mind.

I start to walk home when a black jeep pulls up alongside me.  "Get in loser, I'll drive you home."  This had been happening a lot lately.  Apparently Stella lived just a few blocks from me, so she would intercept me on my way home.  I never asked for a ride because I didn't want to impose, but lately I'd been learning that Stella was actually pretty cool.

"I don't know why you insist on walking home when you know I'm just going to pick you up anyway.  Honestly Ken, just come to my car after school."  I don't reply, I just sit there quietly. Come to think of it, I hadn't really said much all week.  "Hey, are you alright? You've seemed pretty off lately."  So Stella had noticed too.  "I'm fine, I just have a lot on my mind I guess."  I shrug and expect that to be the end of the conversation.

"You do that a lot."  Stella comments.  Okay, I guess it's not the end. "Do what?""Think.  You just sit and think for hours. How do you do that? What are you thinking about?" Apparently Stella notices more than I give her credit for.  She was actually growing on me to be honest.  She wasn't as much like the rest of the girls as she lead people to believe. "I don't know, I've just had a lot on my mind I guess."

Theres a comfortable silence between us until Stella clears her throat. I turn to look at her, and wait for her to speak.  "So," she starts, "You and that Ethan guy?  Are you like, dating or something?"  She seems oddly nervous while she talks.  

I don't answer for a minute because I don't really know what to say.  "Um, I mean, we went out once...I guess you could call it a date, but I don't...we don't....Luke was saying the other day..."  I have no idea where I'm taking this.

Thank God she cuts me off.  "It's fine Ken, I'm not going to tell Abigail or anything.  I was just wondering for, um, personal reasons."  Her voice trails off at the end. Personal reasons?  What the hell does she mean by personal reasons?  "And what are these personal reasons?  If you don't mind me asking."  I'm not sure why I'm being so blunt, but I'm feeling a little annoyed.  I'm not sure why, but I am.

"Well, last weekend at Abigail's, I sort of literally ran into him." She pauses, but I just stare at her hoping she'll make some kind of point.  "He was pretty pissed off, I wasn't sure why.  I felt kind of bad, so I offered to go on a walk with him to help him cool off.  We talked for a bit and it was mostly him venting, and if I'm honest he was venting about you the majority of the time."  What did he have to vent about?  I was nothing but nice to him before this week!  And if he did have something to vent about, why was he venting to Stella?  I wasn't annoyed.  I was jealous.

I wasn't even paying attention, but what she said next brought me back to reality, "But that doesn't matter, what does matter is that one thing lead to another, and we...kissed.  It didn't mean anything, we were both drunk, but it happened and I thought you should know."  Her new reveal hangs in the air for what seems like hours.

"When did he get drunk?"  I don't know why this is the first thing out of my mouth, but I was curious.  He wasn't drunk at the party, and if they were out walking, I don't see when he could have had drinks.

"Ken, he was drunk when he got to the party.  Didn't you notice?  I don't blame you if you didn't, he's really good at hiding it, but after a while, it was obvious he had a few pre-cocktail party drinks."

I was in shock.  For a couple reasons now.  I can't believe that Stella and Ethan kissed, I can't believe Ethan was drunk- and I didn't know, I can't believe Ashton was okay with this?  Was Ashton okay with this?  Did he even know?

"What about Ashton?" I ask, not even trying to hide my incredulous tone.  Stella doesn't speak for a bit and suddenly I hear her sniffle.  "Stella, are you crying?"

She looks up, and I see her makeup is starting to run, and dainty little tears are running down her pale cheeks.  "I just- I really care about Ashton, I really do!  But sometimes, actually a lot of times, I feel like he doesn't give a shit about me.  And it's not his fault, I'm just a groupie and he has a lot on his plate, and I'm supposed to be an escape, but it's hard when I feel like I could genuinely love him and he just sees me as someone to fuck when he's stressed."

I can not believe Stella is opening up to me like this.  She usually seemed so cold and calculated, well unless she was drunk.  Sure she'd offered me rides and was generally nice to me, but this is something you tell a close friend.  Are we close friends? I bring my focus back to the present, because Stella's still talking, and I feel insensitive.

"And Ethan!  Ethan was nice to me, and he's cute, and he made me feel so comfortable.  He listened to me and consoled me, and I deserve to feel loved sometimes!  I did feel loved with him.  Now I'm not saying I love him, or he loves me, not even close; but he showed me he cared, and that was so important to me.  A kiss with him just felt natural."  She pulls out a tissue and starts to wipe under her eyes.

"I don't even know why I'm telling you all this, but the bottom line is, I'm sorry.  I know you might have a thing with him, and I respect that.  It was just a long night, and a stupid decision."

I don't accept or deny her apology.  I kind of just sit.  I hadn't even noticed we were in my driveway.  I wonder how long we've been sitting here.  I eventually realize I should say something.

"Okay."  I say.  I grab my bag, and start to get out of the car.  Stella just looks confused, and if I'm being honest, a little ugly.  She usually looks so perfect, but now her nose was running, she had a strand of hair in her mouth, her eyes were swollen, and her makeup was all over her face.  It's oddly comforting to know that Stella has feelings, and is capable of human emotion.

I walk towards my house, when she honks the horn.  I turn around and she sticks her head out the window.  "I'll see you at seven!"  She yells from the driveway.

"Seven?  Why?  We don't have plans?" "Abigail is having us over, don't worry it's nothing big.  Just a sleepover, I think." Great so there goes my night.  I wasn't doing anything important, but I had a lot of Netflix I needed to catch up on.  "Fine see you then."

Of course I was going.

Because I was Abigail's bitch.