Cagaster of an Insect Cage one shots

Touch-starved

3rd pov

Not much is know about Kidow, simply because he refuses to talk about his past, wanting to keep everyone as far from him as possible, not wanting to get close, to experience again the pain of having to kill someone close to him, who he cared for deeply, but the regret he feels afterwards at not having got to know them hurts almost as much, and he's constantly walking a fine line between breaking down due to the regret and pain and holding strong with the attitude that leaves everyone wanting to leave him alone.

Of course, due to this and the way his plan works, as well as his childhood with his 'father' who never really acted like he loved him, he does not get to interact with people very often, in fact does not interact with them at all unless they're useful or provide information, instead avoids them so that they can't bother him. He prefers to spend time reading, though honestly finding books he doesn't already know is pretty hard, especially since the number of books that have survived is low, no one ever transferring them or bothering to save them.

He's noticed, in a lot of books, that people are constantly touching - no not in that way - and that's... not something he can say he's ever had, much less understands. He understands, logically, that humans are not meant to be alone or to go without touch, that even the most antisocial person will want to speak and interact with people on some days. However, that does not mean he gets why people bother to touch. He knows Jin tries, with the hugs and other shit the man has attempted with him, knows Qasim has almost thrown arms over his shoulders, that Hadi and Aisha have sandwiched him between him the few times he gets tired enough to doze and let himself relax while protecting the caravan, since he's the only one to take night watch.

Ms.Mario tries the same thing, ruffles his hair or touches him casually, but none of these things happen very often, and now that he's actually paying attention, he's noticed that it's weird when they do. It feels really good, similar to a hot shower after a bad day or molten gold flowing through him, leaving him to wonder if he might need more of the touch? He knows he's never been a touchy person though, barely understands human interaction on a good day, would probably rather fight a Cagaster than interact with people, so just outright asking for touch is not something he can do. He can't ask to link arms, to sit beside someone, to bump shoulders, have an arm over his shoulder, for his hair to be ruffled, none of these are things he can just ask for - partially because it's embarrassing - simply because he can not get close to people. But, hasn't he already failed? He lives with Ms.Mario, has for several years. Jin is the only merchant he regularly goes out with, and the army ones - Hadi, Aisha and Qasim - he trusts them and often goes to them more often than he does any other person, because he knows they'll have his back.Illie is a young girl, and the kids she hangs out with aren't bad, he regularly gives them money, as well as other small trinkets that they might be able to due, because kids have done no wrong, no reason to treat them like they have. Besides, what was it his father said to him, right before he started turning?

"I tried to make you into something even I could not be." Or something like that. If his father, a man who was alive and lived before Cagasters could not become a heartless sword to kill other people, how could he be expected to, especially since he is younger and grew up in the time of bugs? He decides that, despite the fact it is spitting in the face of Exterminators who truly believe they are in the right, he's going to get close to people, learn to understand them and hopefully, he'll get around to asking why touch is so important.

The first thing he does is try to talk a bit differently, still in his own way, he's not using any of the slang that those his age do because fuck learning what they mean, but he goes for a less 'nobody matters, I'm heartless' kind of vibe, since that is something he knows pisses people off as well as keeps them away. He's not certain that it's working, but he can only wait. (He has no idea that the others are already his friends, he just has to be more honest with himself, but he'll get there. Eventually.)