𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐧 & 𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐞 [𝐈𝐰𝐚𝐎𝐢; 𝐇𝐢𝐠𝐡 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥 𝐀𝐔]

|12|

WARNING: Self-harm, Suicidal Ideation

[ O i k a w a ]

Sitting on the floor in my bathroom, blood drips from an open cut that I had just made on my forearm. I stole this steak knife from the kitchen without my parents knowing. They haven't hidden anything from me because they don't know that I'm suicidal.

It's still Thursday, been a few hours since Iwaizumi left. I don't know what provoked me to do this, a depressive spell probably because I feel all numb inside. I keep having recurring thoughts of suicide and they won't go away. I keep thinking of what it would be like to die and how my friends and family would react.

I could overdose... Steal my mom's trazodone and overdose on that. Or I could keep cutting until I bleed out.

Honestly, I didn't feel a single thing other than pain when I cut my arm. I don't think I'm stable enough for that party tomorrow. But I need to go to not seem like a goddamn pansy. They're obviously the favored at school, and I'm just... nothing. Despite all the attention I seem to get.

Standing up from the floor, I look down at the small pool of blood and stare at it for a few moments before washing out the cut, wincing with a sharp hiss. Even though I didn't go super deep, it still stings. Surely it's going to scar over, not healing fully. Now I have to wear baggy clothing. To cover it up. Eh, an oversized hoodie will do just fine.

Changing into a baggy shirt with long sleeves, I clean up the blood and throw the tissue away. Walking out of my room and downstairs, I head into the kitchen where my parents are preparing dinner. My mom, however, is staring at me with a dead-serious look on her face. Oh no, does she know? If she did, she would have told dad too and they'd both be staring at me the way she is right now.

"You're going to eat with us and there's backing out of it." She says sternly. "You've barely been eating lately, and thank god you have wonderful friends because while you were taking a nap upstairs, a couple of them stopped by to tell us that you haven't been eating lunch at school." She adds, frowning with arms crossed.

Well, fuck my life.

"Do you hear me?" The woman asks.

"Yes, mom." I finally respond, walking into the dining room and sitting down. Within a few minutes, dinner is placed on the table. I start picking at it, my mom frowning.

"Eat." She demands, tears welling in my eyes. I don't want to eat, just thinking about it is making me feel sick. But if I don't eat, she'll force it. Sighing, I pick up a small piece of fried chicken with my fork and drop it onto my tongue. Chewing, I grimace at the sudden feeling of nausea making itself known.

After eating, I pick up my plate and rinse it off in the sink before placing it in the dishwasher. Sprinting up the stairs, I make it to my room and close the door. Ugh, my arm stings but I have to pretend it doesn't hurt.

I'm sure I'm not the only person who acts on impulse and does stupid shit like this.

Yawning, I look out the window and notice how it's dark. Humming, I walk over to my bed and lay down, turning off the light. Closing my eyes, sleep consumes me.

—

Walking into science with an exhausted look on my face, I sit down and immediately lay my head down. The 4 look at me with concerned expressions. Wait, where's Iwaizumi?

Lifting my head up, I look around. Shirabu chuckles before answering my silent question. "He's late." He says, a hum escaping me. "You look tired, did you get any sleep?" He asks for everyone at the table. Sitting up, I lay back on the chair and shake my head.

"Only 1 hour," I say tiredly. "Spent the rest of the night watching movies and writing."

Before anyone can say anything else, someone walks into the room with a girl clinging to him. My heart breaks at the sight of a short brunette clinging onto Iwaizumi's right bicep. He doesn't look too happy...

He sits down beside me and lets the girl bring up another chair.

"Who's she?" Bokuto asks.

"The girl my dad is hooking me up with. She's fucking annoying." Iwaizumi states, yanking his arm free and scooting closer to me.

"Hey! Don't move away from me!" The girl demands, pouting.

"If you think that's sexy, think again bitch." I state coldly, peeking around the spiky brown-haired male who stares at me with wide eyes. Besides, I can pull off a better pout. I'm known to pull guys when I pout the way I do.

"Kawa-" The copperhead starts, but I cut him off.

"No, I'm not up for anyone's bullshit right now. I'm in a bad fucking mood and this rat is making shit worse. Like goddamn, she's giving me a migraine just listening to her complaining." I spit out coldly. "He clearly doesn't like you, so give him some space would ya? Or else I'll pick your skinny rat ass up and move you someplace else. Okay? Okay." At this, Semi, Bokuto, and Sakusa snicker.

"You don't have the guts to do something like that. All you do is sit still and look pretty! Newsflash, no one likes a try-hard. You seriously look like a pick me type of person." She says, crossing her arms and frowning.

Standing up with a tired smile, I walk around over to her and grab her by the collar of her shirt, dragging her off to another table. "Our table is full anyway. Pick another one that isn't full, alright?" I say, smiling sweetly before turning around and walking back to the table. Once I sit down, I let my head fall onto the table.

"Damn... He's scary when tired." Shirabu mumbles.

"Are you sure you're up for the party tonight?" Sakusa asks worriedly. Lifting my head up, I nod.

"I'll just drink a ton of caffeine to get me hyped up, don't worry."

"Alright, if you say so..."

Feeling Iwaizumi's knee touch mine, I flinch. Looking down subtly, I frown. He's doing this on purpose. But why? He doesn't seem like the person to do something like this. And he's not giving me any shit... This is out of character for him. And I just remembered, why did Sakusa say "you wanted help, you get help" yesterday?

Something doesn't seem right to me. Maybe Atsumu knows the answer?

Feeling my phone buzz, I pull it out from my back pocket and check the message. "Oh my god, is this going to be a daily occurrence?" I ask out loud, staring at the message on my phone. I need to change my damn number.

"What is?" Semi asks.

"I keep getting messages from Sota... I'm getting tired of this. It's almost like he's checking on me every day as he gets closer to me. He just texted "can't wait to see you, I hope you missed me."."

"You need to change your number," Shirabu says sternly, crossing his arms with a frown.

"I know, that's what I need to do but he'll just find out what my new number is. He has connections." I say honestly.

"He needs to burn in a fire," Bokuto says.

"I agree 100%, Bokuto," I respond, turning off my phone, not bothering to respond to Sota this time. I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment from him. I didn't do anything wrong, all I ever did was obey him. He's obsessed with me... But again, why?

This shit is just confusing me. But no matter what, I'm going to die and he'll be the one to kill me. I keep wanting to cry because of it. I can't find peace anymore, everything is just... chaotic.

Humming, I lay my head down on the table and quickly fall asleep, no one daring to wake me up.

—

A/N: I don't like this chapter in the slightest, probably because I was tired and was working on it for 2 hours straight.