Hawk Heart

22. To Cinders

Maybe it was partly my anger that made me storm out of there. 

But mostly, it was a chasmic sadness that seemed to engulf me. 

The moment I returned to my home however, guilt bubbled in my stomach. Zeph was under a lot of stress. All of them were. Maybe I was being too harsh on him. I couldn't really force him to tell me things he didn't want to. Or maybe this too was his way of protecting me in the first place. 

And about what he had said...he didn't really mean it. Did he? 

I sighed and lay down on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

Would it be so bad if I told my dad the truth? About the Hawks? If the Lightwielders truly meant their promise, that would mean that they would be accepted. And all of the underbelly would be accepted.

But what if Zeph was right?

I shuddered at the thought and turned to face the wall, a million thoughts racing breathlessly through my head. It took me a while to hear a knock on my door and I sat up straight, my stomach turning nervously. "Who is it?"

"It's me," Kai's voice called. "May I?"

I sighed. Facing Kai again, I wasn't sure I had the mental fortitude. I rose to my feet and walked over to the door, opening it slowly. 

"Hey," he said and I did a double take at  his appearance. His face was emaciated, his skin ghostly pale, his hair haywire. Dark bruise like circles embedded under his eyes. He looked haunting without his usual gleam. Like he hadn't slept, or eaten for days.

"Kai," I spoke. "What...what happened?"

He shook his head, looking around nervously, his lower lip trembling. "Can I come in? Please?" 

Despite my better judgement, I took a step back and let him in.  He staggered over to my bed and sat on the floor in front of it, shaking his head and rubbing his temple. 

"Kai...are you...? What is happening to you?" I said, shutting the door behind me. 

"I'm just..." he sighed and breathed deeply, "-exhausted. From the training. And...and...I went to the sanctum for a couple of days." 

My heart dropped. "What did you do to get sent there?"

He gulped, hugging himself. "I...I tried to sneak out."

"Why?" I crouched in front of him, my heart breaking at his state and the contrast between the Kai I had first met. Hatred for the Academy rekindling in my heart. 

He mumbled something, but I had no way to know what. 

"Kai? I can't hear you," I placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. 

"I wanted to see you," he said finally. "I..."

He trailed off as I gaped at him wordlessly. "You sneaked out because you wanted to...see me?"

"I couldn't help it...I...I couldn't sleep or eat anyway. I just..."

My blood ran cold at his words. His 'crush' was taking a dangerous dip towards an obsession. 

"Kai, that is not healthy," I shook my head. "You're getting obsessed." 

He sighed and rubbed his face. "I know it's not...I just...I don't know what to do. I've never been in love before." 

My stomach turned, the floor below me suddenly unsteady. "Wh...what?

"S...sorry," he stuttered, his face suddenly regaining all its colour. "I m-mean-" he gulped, "I'm sorry."