Hawk Heart

Epilogue: Bleeding

"So you're just going to stare creepily at him, forever?"

I clicked my tongue, a pang of frustration almost making me snap at her. "You're so fucking annoying," I scowled, fixing my gaze back ahead of me. 

Sienna sighed, leaning against the wall behind us. "You could just talk to him, you know. Explain everything instead of being such a pathetic lover."

"There's nothing to explain," I lied, my heart somewhere near my throat when I saw Aster pacing in the field. There was no way he would be able to see either of us from behind the building, especially considering how the natural shade of trees allowed both of us to blend in anyway. 

"There is though," Sienna said. "You're making this so difficult. On both of you."

"In the long run...this is just better," I said. 

"What is?" she retorted. "You stalking him like a creep his entire life?" 

"Not his...entire life," I said. "Just maybe...until he finds someone."

"You're sick," Sienna sighed before she placed a hand on my shoulder, her voice low. "Zeph...this isn't right. You cant do this to yourself. Just...go to him, explain everything. Tell him your reasons-"

"That's the whole point," I said. "He wanted to come with me. He wanted to throw everything away for me. I can't...let him do that." 

"You clearly can't let him go either," she spoke softly. "I've never seen you in so much pain."

"I'll be fine," I lied again, almost naturally. "I've got other things to worry about anyway. They're probably still looking for me."

"Three months, they probably are, yes," she nodded. "I'll say this...it ain't all bad. Living with citizenship rights and shit." 

"Bet," I said. "I'm not falling for that."

"I know, I know," she said, and even though I couldn't see her face I knew she was rolling her eyes. "Rebel without a cause."

"You didn't have to hurt him you know," Sienna said after a while. "Tell him that you still loved Zia. That was...cruel."

"Yep. Hope he hates me for it," I said. "It's...easier this way. It's...easiest this way."

She was quiet again for a while. "Would you...ever tell him the truth? Ever go back to him?"

"He's not mine...for me to go back," I said, my stone heart breaking into rubble. "I can't...he's too pure. Too loving."

"I don't know how you're getting over this," Sienna said. "But..." she squeezed my shoulder, "I'll be here...as long as you let me at least."

"I...I want to see my brother. I think..." I shut my eyes, my voice failing me. "Maybe...later. A few years from now when I have something to show for myself instead of being a convict." 

Aster sat under a tall tree with a wide canopy, pulling out a book before he proceeded to stare at it. I gazed at him, my heart filling with emotions I never thought I could feel. His striking eyes, his lips, his skin. The warmth of his touch rekindling fire in all my senses. 

"He will be fine," I said. 

"You won't," Sienna replied quickly. 

"It's way easier to watch myself wither away than to watch him do the same," I said. 

I wasn't sure how long I stood there, my mind empty except for memories of him. Memories I had forged knowing how it would end. Memories that were now etched like scars on my skin. 

And all I wanted, was for them to bleed till I was numb.