Hawk Heart

25. Words and Warnings

I hated that the marks were fading.

 As I stood in front of the mirror on Wednesday night, I squinted my eyes to try and see the red marks Zeph's love has left on my skin. And maybe it was the lighting, or maybe just my hollowness- they seemed lighter. 

Maybe it would be easier tomorrow at the carnival. To have the voices screaming in my head die down between among the bellowing music and raucous laughter. But I knew the emptiness that would clasp me in its icy grip the moment I lay in the dark at night. Maybe Zeph had contacted the hawks again, and I simply didn't know. I didn't seem to know anything anyway. All I did know was that his absence was gnawing away at my heart. Nibbling the bits and pieces till scarlet streamed from the flesh. 

On Thursday morning, apart from the agonizing emptiness, a new feeling took hold of me. Dread. Zeph has been awfully interested in the carnival. What sort of 'message' was he thinking of sending? 

The carnival was to start at noon. I didn't see my dad leave the house, per usual of course. What did surprise me however, was when at around nine in the morning, someone knocked on my door. 

Who could it be? 

I wasn't expected at the carnival. Mel was accompanying the other servants to the city square. For one wild second, my heart leapt to my throat that maybe it was Zeph. But knocking on the front door was way too cliché for him. 

"Who is it?" I asked, straining for an answer.

"Its me," Kai called. "May I come in?"

I tried ignore the weight that slid down my stomach at the realization that it wasn't who I was hoping it would be. I walked over to the door and was taken aback momentarily. Kai was dressed in pure, almost blinding white robes. Similar to the ones that the Elders wore- except with some golden intricacies on his sleeves. And although he still looked as pale as before, he looked...cleaner somehow? Maybe he had shaved, either way, I felt like I had never really looked at him like I was now. 

"You look nice," I said, forcing a smile. His cheeks turned pink and he spluttered out, "You too."

I scoffed, glancing at my worn out t-shirt and raking a hand through my bed head. "Kiss ass."

I nodded at him to come in, curious about the carnival. "How come you're here? Doesn't it start in like a few hours?"

"Well...yes," he nodded and it was then that I realized draped on his forearm, was a familiar t-shirt. "I just wanted to return this to you."

 "Oh," I glanced down at it. He had clearly washed and ironed it. "Thanks...but...you can keep it." 

"You...sure?" his eyes widened. "I mean...thanks."

I nodded at him . Why had I agreed to just let him keep the t-shirt? I didn't really care about it, and I remember how pleased he had been when he had worn it. He looked as happy as I did in Zeph's presence. 

Zeph. Thinking about him made a pang of bewildering pain tear through my chest. Where had he disappeared to? Why hadn't he told me? If I was truly that special to him, how come he didn't trust me enough. He was still clearly confused about his feelings. Could I really blame him anyway? He had loved Zia for so long. He still did love her. Maybe I was the one asking for too much. Maybe I was just infatuated with him. Maybe I was setting too much store by him. It was unhealthy. 

What if the only reason I was so obsessed with him is because he is all I've ever really known?

Maybe it was curiosity, or maybe my emptiness, or perhaps a sadistic anger towards Zeph. All I knew was I needed to feel something else. Anything apart from the consuming obsession. Even something as desperate as kissing someone else. Maybe the shame would be enough to drive away the hollowness.