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the same way malani was worried about rue, ashtray was worried about malani. ashtray had noticed malanis mood change, from at least two weeks ago to now, she seemed exhausted.. and although she didn't show it much at all, or even act like nothings happened, he noticed how she would sit, not saying a word, just thinking to herself... for longer than she used to. he always wondered what she was thinking about, and before he just thought it was school, or that whole thing with amelia. but now he didn't know for sure if that was all she was thinking about. he wanted to ask her, but he didn't even know what he would do if she told him the truth about how she felt, what was going on in her own personal life that he didn't see. that was the type of things fezco would talk to her about, not him. since they were little kids he didn't give a shit about her, what she was going through, because he was immature.. and selfish. thinking about how he had also been left with fezco and marie as a baby, how he began dealing drugs at such a young age, stuff was going on in his own personal life too. but now that's all changed, and it was one of the things he didn't quite know how to go about.
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like always, i made my way down the hall, only this time i was alone, i didn't know where hazel and anna was, the three of us haven't met up before first hour, like we always do, yet.
i stopped at my locker, but before i could open i glanced around me, mostly out of nervous, i wanted to see if anyone was looking at me. but no one was, the only thing that caught my eyes as sage, walking away from amelia with a sad expression on her face. i've known sage for years so even when she straightened her posture and put her head up a little more, i could tell something was wrong with her. amelia was left behind her, standing with a shocked, betrayed look, while sage kept walking and as she finally was close enough to notice me, we made eye contact. but she quickly broke it, putting her head down and making her way to her locker that was a little farther down than mine.
"what the fuck?" i whispered to myself, opening my locker. but like i do most of the time, i just sat there with it open, putting some things inside that i'll end up forgetting about in a day or two. and once hazel and anna still weren't standing next to me, i glanced over to sage.
everything in me wanted to go over to her, ask her what's wrong, and then give some sarcastic response before actually trying to give good advice. but i couldn't. she left us.. if anything she should come running back to me, not the other way around. so instead, with a sigh i closed my locker and made my way to first hour, deciding i'll just talk to annalise and hazel later anyway.
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school finished, turns out anna was late and hazel was talking to some boy she met a couple days ago, which is why neither of them were there before first hour, like they usually were. i told them about sage, but both of them quickly told me not to worry about it, "she dropped us mal.. she can handle her own stuff." so i dropped it, for a little bit at least. it was still in my mind.. just like the other a thousand things were, i was friends with sage for years, it's hard not to worry about someone you care about, friends or not.
worry. that brought me back to rue, i saw her and elliot talking today and she looked.. okay? well, like she did yesterday. which is a good thing, it means she hasn't went on with that dumb "plan" of hers yet.
i sighed, trying to close out my thoughts. maybe worrying about everyone but myself isn't such a good thing. sometimes it gets tiring.. worrying.
and then there's guilt. that guilt that's always there, along with everything else. and for some reason, i felt guilty for turning my mom away. it's been almost a week since our call, and it's been one of the top things on my mind. should i have been nicer to her? should i have heard her own, maybe have an actual conversation with her?
i bit my lip, looking at my phone. before i huffed, getting up, i grabbed my phone and moved over to my desk. i sat there, and clicked on my moms contact. but i didn't do anything for awhile, feeling a little nervous to hear her voice. but eventually, i pressed call.. and listened to it ring.
"malani!"
i let out a breathe, for some reason i thought she wouldn't answer me.
"hi.." i answered, and heard her let out a happy laugh.
"i didn't think you'd actually ever call me back." i listened to her voice, feeling my head start to hurt and my stomach drop a little.
"yeah.. i don't know, just thought i should call. where are you?" i asked, curious if she had left california or not.
i could hear a voice in the background, and figured it was anthony. "uh.. i'm still in california. why?"
i felt my heart drop again, i didn't know if i liked that she was here, or not. she could show back up asking if i wanted to go live with her, at anytime, again.
"i was just wondering." i answered, and sat back in my chair.
it was silent for awhile, before i heard her sigh. "how are you, malani?"
how am i. how am i? i haven't really thought about that lately, a lots been going on, but it hasn't really effected me.. right? not that i noticed anyway. i'm fine.
right?
"i'm.. i'm okay."
AUTHORS NOTES:
i imagine alexis as some hot, druggie mom.. like idk how to explain it but i have a vision in my head
