it's locked, stupid: book three

ch. 9

A knock rattles my metal door, disturbing me from the book I was consumed by. Korra opened the door, not waiting for me to invite her at all. I didn't mind it though. Alone time with Korra is something I've gotten used to since Tera's passing. He shuffled over to my bed, taking off her boots as she stepped. I scooted over, leaving her space to flop on my bed. She did exactly that, shoving her face into a pillow. I placed a hand on her toned back, continuing to read my book. I didn't want to interrupt her thoughts, but I still wanted to provide comfort.

After a moment of us just existing with one another, she sat up, stealing my book and tossing it to the side before pulling me into her as she rested against the bed's headboard. I just let it all happen, not really knowing what I was supposed to do in this scenario. It seemed that just accepting that reality worked though, since she started to speak after a moment.

"This is hard," she sighed.

"What is?" I asked, looking up at her.

She looked down at me, just staring. I can assume she was examining all of my features, but I couldn't be sure seeing as I cannot read minds. Not that I need to with Korra. She's always honest with me, especially since we started dating.

"Thank you," she says suddenly, shocking me a little.

"I didn't do anything," I laughed as she pulled me closer. I pushed her away a little, sitting up to look at her more clearly. She had a frown glued to her face due to my distance, so I held her hand to hopefully make up for it. "What's going on?"

"Everything is just so hard. I don't know why Lin is so upset about being here, I don't know why the Earth Queen is such a selfish jerk, and I don't know why I feel like I'm failing."

"Failing at what?"

"This Avatar thing. First Amon, then Unalaq, then the Earth Queen. My head feels as if it's on a swivel."

"You're not failing, Korra. You are an 18-year-old with the world on your shoulders. You are simply existing and trying."

"Things just keep happening no matter how hard I try. Like-" she stopped abruptly. I tilted my head in confusion, wanting her to continue. "I couldn't help you or Tera. If I was better she would be here and you wouldn't feel so-"

"Woah, woah, stop. Tera's death is no one's fault. I know that sounds odd from me, but I swear that she wouldn't want us thinking that way."

"Think of how much happier you would be, don't you want that?"

"No, Korra, I don't want that. Would it be cool if Tera didn't die? Absolutely. But in no way would I be happier. If things didn't happen the way they did, I wouldn't be with you. I want to be with you. Tera will always hold a special place in my heart, but you are part of my soul. Losing you or never obtaining you is a thought that kills me."

She grew silent, not knowing how to respond to my words. I joined her in the silence, not knowing how to dissect my feelings. I guess I'm a little frustrated with Korra for suggesting that. I didn't want Tera to die, I was in love with her. Her death was a brutal one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. But that doesn't mean I'd rather her be alive. Things happen, that is the natural flow of the universe. We, as people, are allowed to mourn and pray and think of what could've been, but we also have to move on. Talking to Tera in the spirit world put many things into perspective for me. I don't need to live my life in grief. I am allowed to experience love again. I'm allowed to laugh with my friends. I'm allowed to be me. It's amazing what one good conversation can do for a person.

"You're doing as well as you can, and that's pretty fucking good," I said, breaking the silence. "You're the Avatar you're supposed to be and that's enough."