The disaster of my life

When they told us

As they said this, it brought me back into the room.
The police asked if we was ready for them to start telling us the information.

I was so nervous and scared, that I felt like I was going to have a panic attack.

I went all hot and dizzy, feeling like I did when everything had happened yesterday.

Mum and dad said yes that they was ready for them to tell us the information and I just nodded up and down to say yes.

The police officers said that they had interviewed Sam and Luke (Who was conners best friends, and didn't go a day without seeing them or talking to them).

They said that Sam and Luke had seen scars on his arms, that conner had said was just from skateboarding (which he did every Saturday or when ever he had time).

But the police said that it wasn't a skateboarding accident, it was self harm.

They said he tried killing himself with deep cuts on his arms and legs, so he hung himself so it was done for good.

I couldn't believe what conner had been doing to himself, and why had he done it? Why didn't he tell me about it? I could of helped him.

Or was it me that made him kill himself? Then it all made sense that he tried to kill himself because of me!

Because I was so mean and horrible to him! Then I started to cry shaking my head saying "no this can't be why".

I felt so bad, it should have been me that was dead not conner, he hadn't done anything wrong.

Then the police said that they found the blade that he had been cutting himself with.

They asked if we had any questions. Mum and dad ask if they had any information on why he had been self harming.

but all they said was that they needed more information before they could say why.

So they went into conners room, and took his laptop and a few other things, that they would have a look at to make sure there wasn't any evidence, to conners death.

Then as they left, they said they would be in touch if they got to know anything new.

Once they had left, mum and dad asked me if I was okay as I was crying my eyes out at this point, thinking that it was all my fault.

Then i could see that mum and dad started tearing up and crying, from what the police had told us.

I started to wondered if mum and dad was blaming them selfs, as they hadn't see all the cuts on he's harms and legs.

My dad started saying "why didn't we noticed that he had been harming himself" over and over again.

But mum was just crying her eyes out, looking really worried like she didn't know what to do.

We all decided to sit back down, on the settee in the living room.

I composed myself and asked mum and dad if they wanted anything, as I felt like they had it harder than me, with losing their child.

They said that they would like a glass of water, so I got up and went to get them a glass of water from the kitchen.

I got myself a glass of water to, then went back to the living room and put theirs on the coffee table for them both. As I walked out of the room they both said thank you, Looking glad that I was there for them.

But if they knew it was my fault, then I bet it would be another matter.

I went into my bedroom and shut the door. suddenly I started to feel really hot and started to shake.

I felt really panicked and dizzy, then suddenly I realised I was having a panic attack.

I've had loads of panic attacks before. Well I think they was panic attacks, as I had looked them up and I seamed to get really shaky and hot.

I normally have them when I'm stressed with exams, or something like that. No one knew about them, as I didn't tell anyone about it.

I didn't even tell mum and dad about the panic attacks, as I knew they would worry about me. Plus I know dad would put me in a mental hospital if he knew (as he's such a worrier).

I went to lay on my bed to relax myself and to stop shaking, I closed my eyes and started to take deep breaths.

I tried not to think of anything and just relax, but it was really hard as I just kept tensing up.

By the time I got up, I released that it was getting dark outside, so I looked at the time on my phone.

It was ten o'clock! I can't have been laying here for that long, but I guess the clock never lies.

I started to get up, then realised that violet had messaged me asking why we hadn't gone to Disney world and if everything was okay.
So I messaged her back telling her about conner and everything that had happened, as I couldn't keep it from her forever.

Then I went into the bath room to wash my face and brush my teeth, so that I was ready for bed.

I went back to my bed room and changed into my fluffy onesie, then jumped into bed.

I laid down to go to sleep but I felt like it was taking forever to fall asleep. As all I could think of was conner self harming and it being all my fault.

Then violet messaged back, asking if it was okay for her to come round tomorrow, so I could tell her everything that had happened.

I messaged back saying yes she could come round, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about it all yet. I put my phone down then started to try and get some sleep again.

But with in minuets i had drifted off into a deep sleep, hugging my buzz teddy.

A/N
Hi how you guys doing? Did you like this chapter? I hope you did! I have another 2 chapters done and ready to post, so I think I will post one of them tomorrow night. please tell me in the comments or dm me if you liked it, or what you didn't like about it as I really like your guys feedback. like, comment and vote see you tomorrow bye! Xxx