Touch Starved

Chapter 4 - Truce

WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness.

~ Amina Gila

It was Vader's tears that undid him, even if he wants to deny it, and he has never felt both further from and closer to his once Padawan. They're stuck at an impasse because Obi-Wan is a Jedi while Vader is a Sith. But they still love each other, and he thinks that is highly unfair. Vader might not have explicitly said so, but he heavily implied it, and Obi-Wan knows Anakin. He knows the way his former Padawan's mind works, and never once has he seen Anakin let go of someone. And the knowledge that there's a part of Vader which still cares hurts.

It hurts. It hurts because, after everything that has gone down between them, after Obi-Wan left Vader for dead twice, Vader still cares. Oh, to be sure, Vader also hates him, but that's not enough to completely destroy the love Vader still holds for him. Even after everything. How? How?!

Maybe he completely misjudged Vader, because all he sees in front of him is a young man who is at least as broken as he himself is. Maybe even more so.

He doesn't know how he can still love Anakin, knowing what's happened to him. Because for all that Vader said that he destroyed Anakin, clearly, that's not entirely true, is it? If it was, then Obi-Wan doubts Vader would regret anything he's done. He's not facing a dangerous, evil, psychopathic Sith who lacks even a shred of mercy or remorse. He's facing a deeply broken, very conflicted young man who is still so very similar to Anakin that it hurts.

It shouldn't matter to him. It shouldn't, because Vader has already made his choice, and Obi-Wan can't choose for him. He can't decide to wipe away Vader's many crimes and atrocities, and Force only knows what he's done over the past ten years. The mere thought horrifies him, and he doesn't want to think about it. He doesn't want to care either because it – it's wrong. He's a Jedi Master, and he owes it to the galaxy, if not to the memories of the dead Jedi, to stop the Sith. But this is – this is Anakin.

There's no one in the galaxy who Obi-Wan has ever loved more. When it comes to his former Padawan, he's deeply attached, no matter what the Jedi might say about that. He would do anything to protect Anakin if it was in his power... except killing him. He – he can't. He can't do it. Even thinking about it makes him feel physically ill, and he knows that going through with such a thing would destroy him. If he didn't Fall from the guilt, it would drive him to madness and suicide. He's coped with many things, but he can't have Anakin's blood on his hands; that's why he was struggling so much over the past ten years.

Thinking that Anakin had died because of him was more than he could handle, and if not for... what happened, he truthfully doesn't know how much longer he would have lasted. He'd already cut himself off from the Force, too scared to reach out and feel nothing, too afraid that feeling nothing would send him over the edge entirely. And if he was to Fall, how would that make him any better than Anakin was, at the end?

Both of them are hurting and in pain, and Obi-Wan doesn't see any easy way out of the mess. Because at the end of the day, Ana- Vader is still a Sith, and he'll still continue to do what he's been doing... won't he? He hasn't expressed any desire to turn back, if that's even possible, even if he does have some regrets.

Or maybe he has more regrets than he's letting on, because his sheer obsession with getting himself killed is more than a little unsettling. Not to mention his tears.

And Obi-Wan wants – he wants his best friend back, like he said to Vader. But he knows intellectually that it's impossible, because even if Anakin still in there (he is; Obi-Wan knows he is), he's still a Sith, and he's still done horrible things. He can't simply... disregard that, and especially not if he's only doing it for his own selfish reasons. That wouldn't be fair to Vader's many victims.