Touch Starved

Chapter 11 - The Talk

Author's Note: In which Vaderkin (Anakin? xD) and Obi-Wan talk. :):):)

Listen. Vader is not being uncharacteristically light.  He just needed snuggles. Okay? Okay. :D

WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness.

~ Amina Gila

It's at least half an hour before Vader feels comfortable and calm enough to even consider talking to Obi-Wan about whatever it is that the elder wishes to discuss. They do need to talk, he knows, because there are still so many things unspoken between them, so many misunderstandings that need to be cleared up.

And he needs something to distract him from his nightmare. He can't get the images out of his mind. The fire. The screaming. Being burned. Both of them. It's – he doesn't know why he did that to Obi-Wan; he can't even explain it to himself anymore. Merely thinking about it makes him feel sick.

"You wanted to... talk?" he finally prompts, feeling a little awkward. He doesn't know what Obi-Wan wants to talk about, but in truth, he's rather dreading it. He isn't ready. (He never will be.) He shifts to the side a little so that his voice isn't as muffled, though he makes so move to sit up. It's comfortable here, wrapped in Obi-Wan's arms, feeling the warmth of a body next to him. He's been deprived of it for so long that he can't get enough of it now.

"I did," Obi-Wan agrees. "Would you like to do that now?"

No. "Might as well, since it has to be done," Vader replies.

"... Will we assume a more reasonable position for this conversation?"

"I'm not moving."

Obi-Wan chuckles quietly. "This will be interesting then."

His humor fades to seriousness, and Vader knows that he isn't going to like whatever his true master says next, so he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind in an almost childish attempt at delaying the inevitable. "I talked to Ahsoka."

"I had wondered," Obi-Wan murmurs, fingers stroking through Vader's curls gently. "You two seemed quite... comfortable, I suppose."

"Yes," Vader whispers, closing his eyes for a moment. "We are... working on it. It is not easy. We are not the people the other remembers." He feels a swell of grief, of pain, and he lets it wash over him, clinging to the light of his bond with Obi-Wan. "I miss her." It's true. It's true. He loves Ahsoka still, even now, and he misses her. It's an old grief, an old ache, but being with her now is only stirring it up again.

"She's here now," Obi-Wan answers, "So you can make the most of it. Spend more time with her. Try to rebuild something anew. It's what she would want. It's what she does want. This is still new to her, so it hasn't fully sunk in, but when it does, she will... miss what she has lost, too." His voice is so gentle, but somehow, it still feels like an accusation.

"I took him from her," Vader says numbly, squeezing his eyes closed. "I took away her master, and she will be angry at me for that."

"Did you?" Obi-Wan queries. "I don't think so." He sighs, wrapping both his arms around Vader's back and shifting on the mattress. "I think that you're still Anakin. You aren't the person you used to be, but you're still... you. Maybe you can't train Ahsoka anymore, but you can still be her friend. You'll still be someone that she looks up to."

Vader scoffs bitterly, shaking his head. "She shouldn't look up to me. I'm not a good role model for anyone." And yes, maybe that's just his self-hatred talking, but it's true. He is not a good person anymore in any shape or form, and he – he hates that. He hates that he destroyed himself, but he doesn't see any way back. Or maybe he just needs to accept Obi-Wan's hand and let his true master pull him back.