Touch Starved

Chapter 6 - Revelations

Author's Note: Yes, I know that Vaderkin and Obi-Wan are doing a lot of snuggling and touching, and in case, you're wondering why, the answer is simple. They've both been deprived of regular human contact for a long time, and that has very detrimental effects on the human brain. They, and Vaderkin especially, are high on the natural compounds that the brain releases during skin-to-skin contact, so consequently, Vaderkin isn't being very Sithly. :):):)

WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness.

~ Amina Gila

Anakin's pain and grief is almost a reflection of Obi-Wan's feelings, but Obi-Wan has had more time to accustom himself to it. He never understood why Anakin Fell, and he still doesn't, even now, but he's had time to grieve for what he lost, for the way their relationship collapsed. He knew from the moment he heard that Anakin was still alive that nothing would ever be the same. It couldn't be. Anakin Fell, became a Sith, and they'd spent ten years apart, ten years in which Obi-Wan struggled and grieved for the child he thought he'd killed while Vader spread terror and oppression throughout the galaxy at Sidious' bidding.

In some ways, Anakin is so... naïve, not that he'd ever tell him that, of course, but it's still true. There's no other reason why he would ever have thought that Obi-Wan wouldn't have changed, especially not when he himself had. To Obi-Wan, it was a given. Time passed, and they changed. For Anakin, however? He seems incapable of accepting it for whatever reason.

Feeling his pain hurt, even if seeing how strong he's become with the Dark Side was unnerving, to say the least. And Anakin doesn't even seem to realize what he did. He didn't even know that, because of his uncontrolled emotions, he slammed the crates opposite them into the wall, the force of it bending the durasteel plates on the far side of the room. It's impressive, and it's terrifying. Obi-Wan knows he ought to be terrified of this Sith wrapped in his arms, and he is, somewhat, but he loves him no less.

Anakin's fits of temper were always wild and violent when they happened, though he always apologized for them afterwards, but like this, as a Sith, it's only gotten worse. He wasn't even angry when he lashed out like that: he was in pain.

And for the life of him, Obi-Wan can't find it in himself to scold Anakin for it, because he understands. He feels it, too, the grief of losing what they had, of losing the closeness and companionship. It can never be the same as it once was, but it can maybe, hopefully be better. They just need time, like he told Anakin.

Obi-Wan doesn't know where he went wrong last time, but Anakin isn't his Padawan anymore. He doesn't need lectures or guidance on how to be a good Jedi. He needs support and understanding so Obi-Wan can show him how to be a good man again. He was, once, and he can be again, Obi-Wan knows, if he wants it. But he can't do it alone. If not for this, Obi-Wan would have left Vader permanently. He wouldn't have looked back, because it would have hurt too much, and he needed the time and room to breathe so he himself didn't get lost.

But facing Vader again, seeing how much of Anakin is still in him... Obi-Wan knows that they only have one path going forward. He has to see this through to the end. He has to stay at Anakin's side, refusing to let him get any more lost in the Dark Side than he already is. He has to help him find his way back again, because if anyone can do it, Anakin can. He has to make sure that Anakin knows how much he loves him, how far he'll go for him. If Anakin doubts him, even for a moment, whatever progress they make could be lost. So, Obi-Wan will have to make sure that Anakin doesn't doubt him.

He'll show him as many times as he needs to. Maybe words and touch can make Anakin understand what unspoken gestures could not. Anakin has always been a very tactile person, and that fact is only being reiterated in the way that he's curled in Obi-Wan's arms, clinging to him. Obi-Wan isn't really a Jedi anymore anyways. He stopped being a Jedi when he cut himself off from the Force, and perhaps he could be one again, but it will take time for him to make peace with himself.