Touch Starved

Chapter 9 - Enroute

Author's Note: In which Vader talks to Ahsoka. :)

WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness.

Uh... maybe some minor disassociation, too.

~ Amina Gila

They return back to the Star Destroyer once they ensure that the clones have started scanning for the bombs and are dealing with the droids scattered around throughout the city. Vader destroyed the control droid inside the tower, leaving the rest without any leadership whatsoever. They need not worry that the city be damaged much while the clones clean up.

And now, Obi-Wan has to report to the Council – and tell them about the time travel – while they plot a course for Zygerria and plan the best strategy to take the colonists to safety.

Vader says nothing to Obi-Wan after they leave the surface of Kiros. He doesn't think he could even if he wanted to; he's in too much shock still. Being burned alive on Mustafar hurt less than this does. Now that he's in the privacy of his starfighter, he locks down his shields, pressing his palms against his face, recognizing that he's trembling, and trying his best to prevent Obi-Wan from sensing anything.

He doesn't even know why it bothers him so much that his once master will pick up on his feelings. He doesn't even truthfully know why this is affecting him so much. But –

But –

Obi-Wan fears him. Obi-Wan fears him.

It's wrong. He's not supposed to be afraid of him. Vader probably should have expected it, but he didn't, and it feels like someone just ripped his heart out and smashed it. The pain is too deep for tears, even, and normally, he would simply channel that pain into anger and hatred, but he can't. He can't even do that anymore, and that leaves him a broken, shaking mess in his cockpit.

Obi-Wan is afraid of him.

Him.

He just – he feels numb, dead, his mind shutting down in a bid to cope. He doesn't want to think or feel or move right now. He doesn't even know what he wants. (He wants to die. He wants to pretend that none of this happened. He wants to crawl into his bunk and not move.)

Somehow, he can't focus on anything but what he just learned. And he doesn't – he doesn't understand why or how or anything. Obi-Wan doesn't fear things. He doesn't. He never has that Vader has seen. He's cautious, wary, but not scared. What has – what has he done to warrant such fear? He knows he scares people. As Vader, in the future, he would drink in their fear, let it fuel him. He didn't want to know what he looked like; it never mattered to him, because he didn't want to know what Sidious had done to his body.

And he felt the fear of those around him, knew he must be something truly awful and monstrous for them to only see a terrifying figure from a nightmare instead of a broken, crippled man who is barely alive.

But... Obi-Wan – Obi-Wan –

Vader has never taken any real pleasure out of the fear he inspires in others. He finds it useful, and he won't hesitate to use it or cement it in the minds of others, but he never goes out of his way to create it. That – that is anathema to him. He has spent his entire life living in fear, that he rather dislikes the idea of being someone who brings that same soul-crushing fear on others. Oh, he knows he does it, but he chooses to ignore it.

It was fine... until it wasn't.

It was in nameless, faceless strangers who have never truly mattered to him.