Touch Starved

Chapter 13 - Drifting

Author's Note: It will, unfortunately, be a few chapters before Vaderkin and Obi-Wan reunite, but they kind of need this time for reasons that are not yet clear to them. Lol.

Also, enjoy the familiar faces! :D

WARNING: Depression (major depression), suicidal tendencies, slight (or more than slight) possessiveness, codependency (does that need a warning? xD).

~ Amina Gila

Anakin knows he should have expected it, but he still feels a dull throb at how little the Jedi trust him. They didn't live through what he and Obi-Wan did, and yet, they still distrust him, still want him dead. It's probably a fair reaction, though, given who he is and what he's done, so he doesn't know why it bothers him.

But what bothers him most is leaving Obi-Wan again. Having Obi-Wan so close has been... wonderful. His once master's presence has grounded him, given him a sense of stability which he's been sorely lacking for years, a sense of stability which Obi-Wan has always managed to provide to him, even in the darkest times. They belong together; they are two halves of a whole, and Anakin is very tired of denying how much Obi-Wan means to him. He's tired of the Code that has kept them from acknowledging the depths of their bond.

Obi-Wan is his father; it's that simple. And Obi-Wan has finally come to accept and verbalize that Anakin is his child. It – he never thought that he could get that, get this, but now, it's been ripped away again. It meant so much to him to not have to hide his feelings around Obi-Wan, to be able to openly express the affection that he feels for him. It's all gone now, though, and Anakin has no idea what to do about it.

He misses Obi-Wan already. Granted, a part of that is probably a result of their mission on Zygerria. He killed so many there. He'd single-handedly cut down every single Zygerrian guard in the Palace who tried to attack him, which was pretty much all of them actually, and then, he'd helped hundreds of slaves inside to safety. It was a dream come true. It is a dream come true.

But now, after accepting the whole of himself again, killing is, once more, harder for him. It was never... easy per se, as Vader, but it was easier. He could mindlessly follow orders, do what Sidious told him to. This was his idea, his choice, and he doesn't regret it, but it still damaged something in him to do it. He had been looking forwards to curling up next to Obi-Wan and letting his father's presence be a soothing balm to him. He had wanted to snuggle with Ahsoka for hours and tell her all sorts of things about the future, about... nothing. He had wanted to be surrounded by his family, so their presences could heal the fissures in his mind.

He can't do that now.

He's on his own again, drifting, the way he was before they came back here, the way he has been for years, ever since he destroyed his own life.

And Anakin doesn't know what to do now. He doesn't know where to go, doesn't have anywhere to go. All he knows is that he refuses to stay in hiding somewhere. For a short time, until he gathers himself, yes, but not longer. He has no idea how to sit on the side anymore, how to relax, how to do anything other than fight. Maybe he never wanted to be a warrior, but he is one now; he's been forged by the fire and blood and death that has been his life for years now.

He double-checks the shuttle three times for any and all trackers, making adjustments to the transponder so he can't be tracked, and takes several, small hyperspace jumps to throw off any pursuers. Once that's done, he cleans up in the 'fresher, washing away the grime, sweat, and blood from the battle. He doesn't have any clean robes with him, so he cleans what he has as best he can, including his armor. He dropped his helmet though, which is annoying, because he is so used to the narrow field of vision and red tint that it provides, that having to adjust to the additional visual stimuli while fighting will be hard.