Half of 365

20

"Anong ginagawa mo rito?"

Agad kong pinunasan ang luha ko nang lapitan ako ni Ate. Binaba ko ang phone ko at nilingon siya. She was staring at me. I just smiled and shook my head.

"Nagpapahangin lang. Kakain na ba?"

Tumango siya. "Hinahanap ka na ni Anica."

Hindi na ako sumagot at pumasok na lang sa loob. Agad naman akong nilapitan ni Anica nang makita niya ako. She was holding the toy that I gave to her as a gift. Pumunta kaming lahat sa hapag para kumain. Puno ng tawanan, at kwentuhan. I couldn't help but smile when I saw my mother laughing. That was the first time I saw her like that.

Binitawan ko ang hawak kong kutsara nang mag-ring ang phone ko. They stopped talking when I suddenly stood up. They were all looking at me. I excused myself and went to our room. I answered the call.

"Hello, Timothy?"

[Cassandra, I know it's not the right time to call you...] I heard him sigh. [Pwede mo bang puntahan si Bri?]

"Did something happen?" I suddenly got nervous. When I saw that he was the one calling, kinabahan kaagad ako.

[No. I mean...] Narinig ko siyang nagmura. The line became silent for a minute. And I just waited for him to speak again. [Alam kong hindi dapat kita tinatawagan dahil sa ginawa niya sa'yo. Kahit ako, I hated him because of that. I wanted to kill him. Hindi ko inakala na magagawa niya 'yon sa'yo, shit. Pero ngayon, ngayon lang, Cass. Pwede bang maging selfish na lang din ako?]

Natahimik ako saglit. "What are you trying to say, Tim?"

[Mag-isa siya ngayon, naglalasing, on Christmas Day. Funny, right?] Narinig ko pa ang mapait niyang tawa. [Today is even his mother's death anniversary.] Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya at napaupo sa kama. [It's hard for me to ask you this favor. Pero mas mahirap sa'kin ang makita siyang gano'n, Cass. So, can you please help me? Ngayon lang... Just be there for him.]

"I... can't." mahinang sabi ko. "Wala ako sa Manila. Sorry."

[Where are you? Pwede kitang sunduin.]

"Don't bother." I sighed heavily. "You should be there for him. He needs a friend."

[Please, Cass.] pagmamakaawa niya. But I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. Napayuko ako at kinagat ang labi ko. [Okay, I understand. Sorry for disturbing you. Merry Christmas, Cassandra.]

"I'm sorry." I whispered and ended the call.

I began to cry, silently. I had no choice. Kahit gusto kong puntahan siya, wala akong magawa. I was so guilty. And I hated myself because I realized, hindi ko pa rin kaya nang wala siya. Hindi ko kaya nang makitang nasasaktan siya. Na kahit punong-puno na ng galit ang puso ko, binubulag pa rin ako ng pagmamahal ko sa kaniya. I despised myself for being such a fool for love.