Drowning

Fifty Eight;

It was a big ask. I knew this. It was a whole days worth of travelling for just an hour or two back home.

Which is why, I wasn't surprised when he said he couldn't.

"Seven hours here, seven hours back, and then back home again for him. Just wasn't feasible." I tell Ellie.

It was 9am. We were in the dining hall having breakfast and coffee.

"Maybe next weekend," she says softly.

"Maybe." I nod. "I think I'm gonna request to go home for good." I say.

"What?" Ellie says, dropping her spoon. "I thought you weren't ready for an entire weekend? Let alone actually leaving,"

"Can't be scared forever." I shrug.

I'd spent the entire night thinking about everything. What things meant, how I felt, how others would feel. Everything. I had no idea what was the right or the wrong thing to do. All I knew was that I couldn't hide here forever.

"No, but you have to wait until you're ready." she says. "Even one day early and you could ruin everything for yourself,"

"Jeez, thanks for the confidence." I chuckle.

"I'm just saying; you don't want to rush back and then relapse again." she sighs. "The average stay here is twelve weeks."

"I know," I nod. "But that just means another three weeks of this," I joke.

"Find someone else to eat breakfast with, then." Ellie snaps, clearly in no mood for jokes.

"Ellie, I was kidding."

"Right. Sorry." she says. "I'm just having a shit day."

"It's 9am," I state.

"And it's been shit so far."

"Vent," I say.

"No." she responds.

"Alright." I nod.

I'd learnt to not provoke the people here. Not because they were insane and going to come for my guts, but because it was pointless and I didn't like to cause a scene. I also didn't want to push any buttons when I didn't know what could trigger them. So, I sat back, and kept myself, to myself.

Luke had been so surprised when he'd answered the phone. I couldn't blame him. He stumbled on his words one hundred times and he sounded more nervous than I did. He hated to tell me that he couldn't make today work. I hated to hear it but I understood and didn't make him feel bad about it. After all, it was my fault for leaving it so last minute, anyway. But a part of me had wondered if, even if I had called well in advance and Luke had time to plan things, would he do it? I tortured myself thinking of Zahara being so much happier elsewhere. Perhaps she'd met a nice person who was treating her better than I ever could. Perhaps Luke knew this and didn't want to tell me. Didn't want me to spiral. Either way, my mind was snowballing up fake scenarios and I had no idea which ones could even be real.

"What do you think the likelihood of Zahara having found someone else is?" I suddenly say to Ellie, who had been sipping her coffee in silence.

"Huh?"

"My ex. Is nine weeks long enough to recover from heartbreak, find someone new, and be happy?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "Maybe if you already know the person you're seeing. Otherwise I'd say, it's unlikely."

"Right." I nod. "I don't think she knows anyone. As in, anyone she'd date, anyway."

"That's good, then." Ellie smiles softly, nodding.