Where Love Finds You

Chapter 11

Copyright © 2020 Sara R Stewart

All rights reserved

This is a work of fiction.

No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the author.

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On Monday I call out sick, it's true but not in the physical sense. I'm sick of my brain, my thoughts, and the aimless and jittery feeling coursing through me. I'm also exhausted having not slept for most of last night. Every time I close my eyes, I would see that woman bound to the bench being whipped, spanked and then fucked. It turned me on but made me also feel ashamed and icky at the same time. I know where some of the shame comes from, I know what happened to me as a child, mostly, but what I don't understand is why my brain has connected that shame to how I feel about watching something happen to a grown and consenting woman.

I stay in bed until I cannot stay any longer and have to go to the bathroom. Then I make coffee, grab a bagel and head back to bed with my phone, computer and kindle. After setting it all down on my bedside table I head back to the kitchen and then grab a large bottle of water, some apples and cheese. I love cheese.

Crawling back into bed, I drink coffee and stare out the window at the gray sky. It feels like a turning point for me. I cannot continue this way and I cannot go back to how I was before; it seems impossible to stick these experiences and memories away.

Tomorrow I meet with the therapist I've booked, so today I can choose to completely check out, so I plan to bury myself in books or TV and try to not think about what is going through my head. I will pretend tomorrow isn't going to happen and that I'm the same Sailor I've always been. I could, that is, I could if I hadn't run into Tahoe again. There is no avoiding my attraction for him. Even now, confused and embroiled in my shame and fear I'm aroused by a mere passing thought of his eyes as he knelt before me.

Looking at the clock I wonder if it is too early to text him, not sure what I'd say but longing for any kind of connection to the feelings of calm, dominance, control and strength I felt while with him. His presence a mix of everything that I have been running from, something I'd never felt before and everything I crave. I decide nine is late enough for me to send a text and since I have no idea what to say I simply send 'thank you.'

Tahoe: For what?

Sailor: Last night.

Tahoe: How are you feeling now? Are you okay?

Sailor: I'm not really sure. I couldn't face work though, so I stayed home.

The texts coming through make my heart race. For some reason the connection to Tahoe is feeling necessary, so I decide to be honest and continue.

Sailor: I don't know what's happening to me.

Tahoe: I will not even pretend to understand what you are going through. Part of me feels responsible, the other part of me is grateful to have been there last night. I don't know why but I feel like I need to know you.

I don't know what to say so I don't reply. I just sit here wondering why, why does he feel so compelled to know me during this mess of emotions and shame?

Tahoe: I hope you'll let me. You should let me know you.

Sailor: Why?

I cannot understand why someone as confident and attractive is drawn to me. I know I'm accomplished; I know who I am but right now I'm a hot mess of emotions and past trauma. I wonder if maybe Tahoe has a hero complex. Maybe that's his thing, he likes submissive and messed up women. I shake that thought off as quick as it comes through, that just doesn't fit my impression of him. After all he was pursuing me before I freaked out on him.