Fear of death (dream smp)

21. A new home

Cold whispers of wind. Snow slowly falling from the sky. A new beginning. Moving into a cabin far away from where you used to live was different to say the least. The cabin was small but cozy, just enough for me and Techno. And of course Phil if he comes to visit.

In the process of moving I got to know Phil more, we didn't mention anything about Wilbur, but I could tell he was effected by it still. I decided to not bother him with questions for now. Many things were discussed, we had allies but also new enemies. One outnumbered the other unfortunately. I trusted that Dream and Sapnap would make use in helping us, and I hoped Punz and George trusted me more now. 

I was having doubts however, the grief I felt for Wilbur never disappeared, it was a constant heaviness in my chest, my mind constantly thinking about it. Thinking about how I cradled him in my arms, how he called me his sister, how I felt him collapse so effortlessly. The figure of Dream imprinted in my mind, pulling me close making me feel safe. I never thought he would be the one to do that for me.

Techno came into my room, he seemed to be checking up a lot on me recently.
"Have you eaten?" He asked me.
I nodded, silently looking out the window.
Sitting next to me, he looked at me with an expression of concern.
"What's going on? You seem off ever since we came here I just can't put my finger on it... is it Wilbur?"
I flinched slightly at the reminder, but I nodded once more.
"It was a shock for me too, Phil has told me what was running through his head when it happened, he hopes you don't hate him for it." He explained.
"I don't," I whispered, "I just feel lost without him, he helped me a lot, took me in, allowed me to stay in his home."
I tried to keep my words to a minimum.
"I get that, I do, take as much time as you need, but you need to remember that we have to make more moves soon, to rally allies and such."
"Mhm, I understand, I will make sure I don't get distracted." I tried to smile.
"Thank you, now get some rest, we have a long day ahead of us tomorrow." He patted me on the shoulder before leaving my room.

Sitting in my room alone once more I grabbed some paper and ink. I finally needed to write something to Sensei. I needed guidance. So I sat down and poured my heart out.

Hello Sensei

It's been a very long time, but I need your guidance in any way possible. I have suffered a big loss, I feel lost myself, and the allies I have made I appreciate with my whole heart, but I fear they will be hurt too, and I don't know if I will have the strength to protect them. Techno is here with me, we have stayed close during this time, I fear his goals are too much for him to handle however, I fear he will get himself hurt and I don't want that happening. I have some enemies too, like everyone does, which is more difficult to deal with, because I fear for my life and safety too. I fear sleep, I fear being alone and I fear being without a weapon by my side. How do I fight this feeling of fear to help me move forward, because this loss I have suffered has effected me, and I need myself at 100% in order for me to be ready for what's to come.

I miss you Sensei
Y/n

I decided to take an evening walk. I grabbed my evening wear for warmth and left the house silently. Making my way up a hill, I made sure no one was following me, keeping a dagger near my hand. I lay down on top of the hill, watching the stars blink at me. I connected them like I did as a child, flashbacks came back from when I did this with another kid from the monastery, the boy reminded me of Techno in a way. Strong willed, protective, loyal. As I watched the stars I felt myself slowly calm down, my heart rate slowed, shoulders eased any tension, I felt at peace. Even if the moment didn't last I was grateful to have it for now, because the next days, weeks and months coming were not going to be easy. These newly found enemies were going to be tough, and I had to give it my all in order to succeed. I knew in my heart with the people by my side, I was stronger than ever before.

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Hi everyone I'm back! Sorry for the wait!

- author out 😄