Not My Past. My Story.

Timothy James

Lets be honest, I am not quite sure how we got here but here we are.. You, broken & bleeding.. Me, ultimately feeling responsible.
  In the beginning everything was so perfect. The love that we created & the time we spent together never went not cherished.. You know, when I was still able to hide my addiction, before it really got bad. Then life got its grip on me, our love.. All of the stressors I would only use as an excuse to go get high. I lost my want to feel alive, or even actually be alive.. It had taken over & swallowed me whole. I legit blamed every single thing on you. You done all the wrong, you caused all of our problems.. It didnt matter if the problem was money, time we didn't spend together, any and all.. It was your fault.
  Though looking back at it now.. It was never your fault. It was all mine. I single handingly destroyed our love.. I was no longer the funny, loving, caring woman you fell in love with. No longer was I the woman you saw something so great in, you wanted to start a family with me. I did not want to admit it, but she was lost a long time ago. Before I think you even noticed you had lost her...i knew you did. I hide everything from you and lied about whatever i had to so i was able to go get high without having to flat out say "hey dumbass im going to relapse and get high with my friends" cause we all know that would have not flew. I made you hate people in my life that you had no business to hate, just so i wouldnt be labeled the "junkie" that you had built up such hatred for.
  I created a monster & my biggest fear was losing you. You are the one who knew mt deepest secrets & the worst about me.. But you still loved me. I know that i pushed you away, you despised my existence. & at that point is when my biggest fear come to life. Thats when i lost the love of my life for good, we were gone. I know the thought of me disgusted you. I let you down & become everything that you hated.
Finally I opened my eyes and realized how badly my addiction was hurtin you and our child.
So.. To the man i couldnt love more then meth. I am sorry for ever putting you through this. I am sorry for making you live an addiction that you never even had to face yourself, but faced it for me.. Your hand in mine. Thank you for never leaving me, but not letting me face this addiction alone. Thank you for being mommy & daddy to Lillian on my worst days when I could barely move around. Thank you for the opportunity to gain your trust and respect back.
  Though it doesn't seem like it, you are my best friend. I appreciate you letting me go and making me realize the cold hard Gods honest truth, although at first I hated you for it.
Timothy James, you know exactly who you are. I will never be able to repay you, never will be able to thank you enough for being the one to step into the situation and make me see the problem with my behaviour. I now see how much i effect you and our daughter, along with seeing how much one man can love a woman despite the worst of circumstances.
You are my hero Tim
You are my life.
  I will love you forever.