Not My Past. My Story.

To: Lillian Fr: Mommy

To My Baby,  You are the best thing that ever happened to me. From the moment you were placed in my arms and smiled your toothless grin at me, I had an overwhelming feeling of protection over you. I would never let anything bad happen to you because you were my perfect creation, my very own miracle. Unfortunately, I would need another one to come back to you and hope that you never have to face my demon of addiction.  My demon was one that has claimed many lives and doesn't let go until you are dead. Through treatment I learned how to fight my demon and win the everyday battles so that I can be with you and provide you something better than when it was winning. I never want you to go through the hell that I did and you don't have to. Even though the odds are not in your favor, even on your worst day you can get through without meeting this demon.  Thinking of you, my own little miracle, helped me fight my demon. I wanted to watch you grow into the wonderful adult I knew you would be. I wanted to see you graduate high school, follow your dreams, get married, and welcome your own little miracles into this world. I wanted to see your smile again and know that you were safe. I wanted to be the first line of defense against anything trying to hurt you.  I know you've seen what addiction can do to one person and their whole family, I know you've seen the destruction of the demon and for some that may be enough to keep them away. If it is not, please do not be afraid to ask for help. If you need to talk to someone, even if it isn't me, I can help you find that person. If you need help out of an uncomfortable situation, I will come get you no questions asked. I don't want you to be afraid or feel guilty for anything. Nothing was your fault, fighting with my demon wasn't your fault.  I want you to know how important you are to me and so many other people. You have so much potential and I want to help you achieve it all. I may not be able to do it on my own but you have many family members who love you and only want the best for you. I do not want you to bear the same regrets and scars that I do from my addiction. You are your best "you" without any substances, you walk into a room and everything seems brighter, you bring joys to others lives, and have a big heart and such a good head on your shoulders. I know you can make the right choices and even if you make a mistake, if you feel like you are losing control, there is help.  Life is not easy. Your childhood may particularly have been difficult and I am sorry for any and all contributions that my addiction played into that. I am sorry for the times I wasn't there for you like I should have been. I know I cannot make up for lost time but we can make new memories now and we can help each other learn new things. We can take on the world together. I can teach you many lessons I had to learn the hard way. I don't want you to learn the hard way. I don't want you to face the demon like I did.  Let my lessons, my story be your escape from the demon. You can live a fulfilling, hopeful, and peaceful life without knowing the lowest points. Nothing is worse than fighting that demon everyday. Please use my story as a beacon of light to stay away from the demon. Let me be your saving grace.  Love always, Your Recovering Parent