Not My Past. My Story.

A Part Of Me

There is a part of me, a big part, who is terrified to write this. Im uncertain if anyone will even read this, and even less certain if they do, this will sound anything more then whining and finger pointing. Just another litany of excuses. I know ive given every one more than enough reason to expect that.
  So the first request I have to make of you is a leap of faith. Im not trying to concot more excuses or lies. Im not even trying to manipulate you even if its hurts less to think of this manipulation. Im actually, really tryin to tell you something meaningful. Please hear.
  I want you to know on those mornings i woke up with my stomach feeling like it was burning with poison -because once youre addicted, its withdrawl that feels like poison, not the drugs- I had forgotten the little kid with all that promise. She has always been here, even when stitched into the body of a quiverring, sick person. I still had all my dreams. I still wanted to accomplish big things & make everyone proud. I just needed to stop feeling sick first.
  Do you know what my friends and I talked about most after getting high together? What we would do when we got off of drugs. We couldn't wait. It felt so close - as close as tomorrow - when we would write that bestseller, or win awards for costuming hollywood stars, or open a home for at risk youth. We held those dreams as dear as we did when we were kids, when you believed us. We had no idea what recovery would really be like. When we were high, recovery seemed like it would be easy.
  When i was at my ugliest, mouth flopped open, eyeballs drooping over eyeballs that rolled around like pinballs in their sockets - I wished you would hold me. Instead you walked away. I dont blame you. Its a repulsive sight, honestly. Maybe it would have helped if i could have found a way to tell you that i was in hiding. That when i was in that dark, soft place behind the ugly face, I felt quit, and safe & untouchable.
  Ya know in almost all the pamplets and books we get shoved into our hands at meetings & clinics, we read about repairing broken relationships with family and friends. Too often, however, the burden is placed wholly on the person in recovery. This imbalanced view of post addiction relationships is cloaked in words like acceptance, self awareness and culpability.
  You yourself, you need to practice self awareness as well. Accept that you are partly culpable for the way my life turned out. I once heard in an NA meeting revolving around families, "I didnt cause the addiction, I cant control the addiction, & I cant cure the addiction."
  Its true that you cannot control my addiction. Once I developed a substance use disorder, it was gonna take a whole lot more then just family to get it under control. But its irresponsible to feel like you didnt contribute to it at all. When i tried to talk to you about my feelings, my depression but you chose to ignore me-you contributed to my addiction.
  When i relapse and you shame me for it- you contributed to my addiction. When you told me I couldn't stay one night with you when i was feeling unsafe- you contributed to my addiction.