At the end of this thing. I have 2 options.
One: i will keep going the way I have been. If I choose this route, this will be our last talk. In order to continue using, I must block out all that is real and good. I'll immerse myself in secercy and madness. I will avoid family and friends. I will live an ugly world of lies, dishonesty, justification and self-pity. Ill demean myself in the worst possible way. I'll give up, on me.
Two: i will stop this insanity now. While im lucid, ill despose of all paraphernalia. I wont call the dealer. Ill call for help. I know that my numbers are numbered. I walked a tight line of no return. If i pick up one more time, i may cross it.
If i chose option one, i will loathe myself. And dear God, I am close. Most days it feels like theres not enough of me left, to win this fight.
If I chose option two, I dont havs to fight this alone. There is help for me, if I reach out.
Any sane person would wonder why this is such a difficult decision to make. But that is the thing about addiction. It isnt sane, or rational. If by some chance in unable to make the decision i know i must, i hope somebody finds this letter & makes it for me.
Please know that if i do chose option one, that i will not be acting under my own accord. Addiction will have me firmly in its grasp. Ive tried to stop using in the past, but my illness is bigger then me. So far, addiction is winning. I hope my loved ones will fight like hell to get me back.
In closing. I would like for you to know you can beat this. Continue praying for the courage to get help.
YOU ARE READING
Not My Past. My Story.
General FictionIn this powerful memoir, a young woman from Eastern Kentucky shares her struggles with motherhood, heroin addiction, and the stillbirth of her daughter. She describes what childhood was like when her mother was an addict and her father was abusive...
